Day 1.. What in the World was I Thinking!?!?

Yep, that was my thought last night as all these thoughts flooded my head and then the anxiety crept in. Then as I woke up this morning, the habits of my regular day out the window, I immediately began to think (before getting out of bed mind you), "What in the world was I thinking giving up all those things for Lent? I'm not even Catholic or apart of a religion that practices Lent?!" Then I got up, got the girls ready for school, and actually got showered before 9am! I actually had time to run to the car place and get my wiper fixed. Because that took a whole 5 minutes of which I wasn't expecting, I actually had time to run around and find a dog kennel. Imagine that! I had TIME. Well, why didn't I have time before? Let me think about that.. I was watching tv and then playing on the internet or vice versa. Whichever. Then I'd get in the shower at oh 9:30/10 just in time to get out, get dressed and rush out the door with Buddy to get Sweet Pea from school at 11. Wow! I thought I was bad with time management, but come to find out, it's just because I am filling my time with things that aren't that important. FB became my connection to the world back home while we were in Korea. TV wasn't a big deal in Korea as we only had a few English speaking channels. So I did find that I was turning off tv more and having time to do other more important things, like play with the kids or be creative with them. So, overall, today was a great day. I was able to have time for devotions today, which was great. Didn't find a kennel, but I am sure I will. The point is, I do have time to do these other things, I am just lazy and don't want to do them. They aren't entertaining, which really, sometimes life is when you aren't on the go all the time or so impatient. So, today, I got a lot accomplished and was able to relax with the kids a bit and just laugh. All in all, good day today! 

Lent

Well, here I am. I've never observed Lent until this year. For the last few months, I have felt God moving, convicting, and speaking to me throughout my everyday life. Whether it be through a message from church, a podcast, music, or just my kids, God was talking. I'm not for sure how long God has been trying to talk with me because I like to talk a lot. So I have a hard time sitting still and listening to my Papa. Oh the things He has taught me in the last almost year since leaving Korea. This time last year we were anxiously counting down the days, and yet sad to be leaving behind dear friends. It was getting warm there and the trees were just starting to show signs of life. How awesome, side note, is it that these trees and flowers and the grass just keep coming back every year! God is so awesome in how he created everything. So, the last few weeks, I have really felt God tugging at my heart and I have to be honest, I wasn't really all fall on my knees in obediance. So I began to think about Lent. One of my favorite passages in the Bible is Matthew 4:1-11. Amazing passage on how Christ fasted in the desert for 40 days. So I began to think and God began to nudge a little harder for me to get my priorities straight with Him. My kids, I love them, but they are not my everything like they used to be. In fact, I've seen them as a burden. I heard a great messages at my MOPS group here by two different ladies. One was a devotion and the other was the actual talk. And man, with the Lord nudging me about selfishness and pride, he sure has a way to really bring home the point to you. lol. "Ok, Ok Lord. I submit to you." Now on my knees, humbling myself before my God, my King, my Savior, my Papa, I am here and ready. So, what does this have to do with Lent you ask? Well, I didn't realize that Lent started today, Ash Wednesday until the mentor mom at my table said it did. Good thing I did my research. lol. So, for Lent I am giving up tv, FB, and dessert/sweets. Wow! All three?!? you ask? Well, I got a lot of this as a response, "Wow! Going all out! You know that you are only supposed to give up 1 thing for Lent right? lol. Yes I do know that. Here's my thing though, If I only take away the tv, then I am going to be on FB more. If I take away FB, then I'll be on the tv more. And if I only give up the two and not desserts, well, I am going to fill that void with sweets rather than the Word. So, for me, that is one thing because they all go hand in hand with each other. They might not for some, but I know myself and my weaknesses, and trust me, they go hand in hand. 

Another reason all of this is God's timing is the last few weeks God has really been convicting me like I said of selfishness and pride. Selfishness with my kids and just wanting that time to myself! I've noticed how they talk with each other or act towards each other and it's a mirror of me. For the majority of their lives, it's been just me raising them. Hold on, back up you say. Yes, Hunny is here (not at the moment of course.. lol), but during the day, it is me training them. While he is in the field or deployed, I am raising them up (with both of our standards of course). So, as I sat and watched them one day, I realized that I am doing a really horrible job. Now, I've had the mommy guilt over that whole issue, but I know that is just Satan's way of getting me down. So, I know and am confident that God is still shaping and  molding me until I am with him. So are there rocky days, yes, but I now am confident in knowing that God is still working on me. Which again, is another reason I decided to practice Lent this year. I know that at the end of these 40 days, I will be so much closer to God and my family. I know that there are blessings at the end. So I am really excited to get started. I am hoping to write about it, but we'll see if there is time. lol.  

7 year itch.. or is it?

Monday marks our 7 year anniversary. Wow! As I sit here, I can't help but to think back on what was going on during those last 2 weeks building up to "The Big Day". Hunny had just gotten back from Germany and was taking leave so we could get married. We went to church, youth group, watched movies (an occuring theme in our marriage), pre-marriage counseling, did last minute preparations, had rehearsal, etc. The day of I had my hair done, make up on, dress on, and was ready to go down that aisle! I remember that as we prepared for the wedding, I had such high expectations or fantasies about what marriage was going to be like. I dreamed that we would never fight and if we did of course, we would have these long, heart-filled conversations to talk it out. Then we would kiss and make up and then the music would play and the lights would dim.. and cut. I dreamed that we would have lots of children, I would always stay at home, my husband would do the chores that well, men do. Our children would blissfully be playing together as they grew. Well, pretty much that everything would be peachy and fantastic all the days of our life. "I Do". What strong words for just being 3 letters. Did any of that happen the way I thought it would? No not really. God had a better plan for us. We said I do and as soon as we moved to our next duty station, well, I began to wonder.. "Who is this person I married?! I want to go home! I want my dad and mom!" God knew that I was going to need to be away from home so that I couldn't run to dad and mom everytime life got hard. Everytime my marriage got hard. Those expectations of what "Man Chores"are, yep, they are shared. How do you like that? I stay home, go to school and he can't even take out the garbage! It's not as though he is getting up at 5:15 to make it to PT in the morning and then has to put in a full day of working, not getting home until 6pm. Hmm.. Oh wait. I guess that reality and understanding doesn't come in til later. Rewind.. Man, I just can't believe it. Humph. (Back to my tantrum and fit). So, as the adjusting to each other continued, we moved and became pregnant with Munchkin. Aww.. By this time, things were going really great. We were working together as a team. Munchkin came and Hunny left shortly after to go overseas. Well, time to adjusting to him not being there. So, Mommy/Daddy emerged. Fastforward a year, Munchkin now almost 18 months and we now had a 2 month old. Wow, were we different people who didn't see eye to eye on anything and this person who I said "I Do" to, is not the same person. Of course I had not changed. I had not been unreasonable. I had not been disrespectful to my Hunny. I, I, I. Yep, I am doing just fine. So, as the horrible time of adjusting came and went, we were moving out of the military and were back to working as a team again. Over the next year and yet again, another baby later, we were moving back into the military, only, Korea was our next destination. While Hunny left for overseas again, God began to work on me. And boy, have we come a long way. I began to see my husband through God's eyes. Now, does that mean that things were perfect? Not at all, but God has been working on us. Korea was a great growing time for me to be planted and rooted in God. And as soon as the "checklist of fixing myself" was done, it was time to move again. Well, I worked on all of those one time, so I am good! Wrong! I had a hard time coming back to the states and took it out on my husband, my kids, and people around me. The church. Aweful. Then God started working on my husband. Let me tell you ladies. Stop nagging your husbands and just let God work! Do you really think that nagging at your husband is going to make them say, "Oh my goodness Honey! You are right! Oh how much I love you! Thanks for being SO persistant in showing me how wrong I am!" NOT! Pray, pray, pray! I am so guilty of nagging my husband to talk about his feelings or am so guilty of stepping in as my husband is disciplining. I am so guilty of constantly disrespecting my husband in a backlash of not feeling loved. I have learned so much the last 7 years that I tell you, during all the lows, it would have been easy to give up. I am so glad, however, that God holds us to our covanents to each other. Well, it had to have been all my husband's fault because he didn't show me this great fantisized love! Ladies, those romance movies are so dangerous. Do I still watch them? Yes, but with new eyes. Hello! They are movies! And somebody writes that stuff! Anyway, it's been 7 years of God continuing to show us grace as we stumble around trying to "get this marriage thing right". I think of all the changes that have gone on within my marriage because of God's timing. I think of how much I am in love with my husband and it's not because of the things he says to me, the things he does for me, or how he treats me. I am so in love with my husband because God has allowed me to look at Hunny through His eyes and not mine. My Hunny is so amazing. He works such long hours being overseas, yet again. He works hard to protect us, to protect this country. This deployment is different on so many levels. It's so amazing when you step back and just let God do what he does.. draw us to him. (amongst many, many other things). 
As I remember walking down the aisle, I had my veil, my dress, my arm in my daddy's arm. I remember laughing because if I had stopped laughing, I would have been crying. It's such a scary, yet exciting adventure this marriage thing. I remember the first thing I said to my soon to be husband.. "So, you got pulled over last night for doing doughnuts in the parking lot?" Man, I think I started off on the wrong foot there with my now husband. How foolish of me to be half scolding him on our wedding day. The beginning of a lot of "scolding" in our marriage. I remember us laughing about it, and it's still funny that he was doing doughnuts the night before our wedding. lol. My role as a wife isn't to take charge, change my husband, or take over my family. It's not to be the head of the house. I am commanded to respect my husband, whatever that is to him, I am to respect him. Whether I feel like it or not. Whether I think he deserves it or not. (Can you tell we are doing the Love and Respect book and workbook together?) It's true though, it is a cycle. Women, you want to feel loved by your husband? Show him respect. Ok, ok, putting my soap box away. :) Back to what I was saying... I remember not giving it a second thought as I walked down the aisle. As I got closer, I got more giggly. (as not to cry of course). I was SO excited to be marrying this man! This handsome handsome man who I knew loved me! I didn't know what was ahead of us as we stood there before God, our families, our friends. Total bliss came to mind a few times. :) We don't have all the answers and we certainly aren't always in bliss together. I can honestly say though, that as we are coming on 7 years tomorrow, I would still walk down that aisle.. no no, I would be running down that aisle as my future stood there waiting for me to get to him. 7 years later, I love him more right now than I did back then. I respect him more now than I did back then. I appreciate him now more than I did back then. I completely love him now more than I did back then. I love who he is in God and who God has molded him to be. I love his passion for Christ and his deep deep love for me. I love the way he encourages me. I love the way he makes me laugh. I love the way he loves me. 
So, with all this rambling.. where am I going with all this? Marraige is hard work. It's easy to give up and walk away. What's not easy is trusting God. It's not easy to trust that He will work things out. It's not easy to let your husband be who he is. It's not easy to be confronted with who you are and realize that you don't like who you are. It's not easy to take that and then change. It's not easy to stay together. It's not easy to be parents. It's not easy to parent differently but then come to a common ground. It's not easy to let your husband be the head of the house. There are a lot of set backs, a lot of changes, a lot of patience needed, a lot of unconditional love needed, a lot of unconditional respect needed, a lot, a lot of God being the center needed. So, do I feel that "7 year itch" that so many talk about? Not a bit. I love being married to my Hunny, even when it's the darkest of the dark. So, Happy anniversary to MY Hunny! The last 7 years of marriage have been nothing of what I had fantisized about as I walked down that aisle. There have been lots of ups and downs, but I would walk down that aisle a million times over if it meant I would learn the same lessons and be molded in the same way that God has molded you and I to be. You are amazing! You are my hero! I love you Hunny!! 

Thankfulness

Of Course the title is going to have"Thank" in it! It's almost Thanksgiving! The one time a year we remember what we are thankful for. "Thank you God for my husband, thank you for my kids, thank you for your love, Amen." Whew! Got that out of the way til next year! In all seriousness, throughout the entire year, as a mom we want to be appreciated. We want to know that what we are doing as a mom means something to our family. That we aren't just an invisible person walking around the house cleaning, washing, wiping, cleaning, washing, wiping.. you get the idea. Do we want that thank you every time? Or want an "Oh mom! That was so great! We love you and we are so thankful for all that you do!" Big hug, cue the music, dim the lights, and cut. That's a wrap! If you wanted that, you should turn on the Leave it to Beaver show. Ok, I can't lie, I would love some appreciation for just some of the things I do around the house. Ask yourself though, do we want that praise from our family? Or do we/should we want that praise from God? It's those two simple words, Thank You. On the other side of it, how often do we say Thank You? Or are truly grateful for someone or something? How often do we take people and things for granted? How often do we take God for granted? Because in all reality, everything we have is a gift from God. Our family, our salvation, our personality, our home, our food, our everything. Our trials, our hard times, our finances, our stubborn children (oh wait, how did that get in there?), our everything is His. With a thankful heart, we have an enormous opportunity to share God with our kids. We are their number one example of Christ and because we are to be Christ-like, as it says in Ephesians 5:1-2, we can't go around having a grumbling heart. How awesome is it that God entrusted our children to us? He knew that we were the right mamas to take care of the right children for us! I know, I know, ya'll are saying, Have you met my child?! Really! And seriously, yes, really! I have been there and at times think the same things! Then I am reminded of a few verses in God's love letter to us about our children, and I hope that you are encouraged to be thankful for your children like I have been through the eyes of God.

Psalms127:3-4, "Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth." (praise the Lord because imagine how much fun that would be at 50!)


Proverbs 22:6, "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it."

(And this is my favorite passage out of the 3) Psalms 139: 13-18, "For you created my inmost being; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your throughts O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you."

I have to say, these verses have been a huge blessing in my life when looking at my husband and children and other people through God's eyes. I was so important to my Papa that he knew me before I was even made in my mother's womb. He knew what my days would be like. He knew my struggles and my frustrations before they even happened! So, I sit and think. If I am THAT precious to my Papa, how precious is my husband? How precious are my children to him? It gives me goose bumps just thinking of the love my Papa has for me. When you look at life, people, etc through God's eyes, it's hard not to be thankful! He made your stubborn child stubborn. He made your little warrior boy. He made your compliant child compliant. And he knew that you were just the right person to help mold them and shape them and teach them about God. So even though the house chores are piling up and a little help would be greatly appreciated. Or even if you just got done with cleaning the bathroom and not even 5 minutes later the bathroom sink looked like the flood of the Bible just swooped in (true story) right behind you, laugh and be thankful that God has given you the privilege of being a wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend. Be encouraged that God knows and sees your efforts and he knows your heart! He will give you the praise! And in all honesty, isn't that the most important praise we can get is from our Papa?

Authentic FB Friends

Ah Facebook. What a great invention. You get to reconnect with kids you went to elementary school, middle school, and high school. You get to stay in touch (or stalk) current friends and family members. You even get to be FB friends with the popular kids who wouldn't dare be friends with you at any stage of school. You also get to keep an eye on friends putting your own advice in when you feel it's 'needed'. On top of all that, you get to tell about your very exciting life! Poke people, play games, post pictures, ah, Facebook. (or post blogs like me. lol) I'm guilty. I've fallen into the fad of Facebook, until something better comes along. Maybe someone should invent something called MySpace or something.. oh wait.. Anyway. My point is that Facebook can be deceiving. I of course really only want to post the good things going on in life. I want to post the pictures of the one time a month I get down on the floor and play with the kids. I want to brag about my husband and kids! Post funny things happening and post moving scripture or video or whatever. The truth is, we should be posting real life. Of course not, "I had a huge fight with my husband and he's a meanie head and is totally wrong and I'm right. So there." Not saying to post all that, but let's be real. I honestly have a hard time reading posts about awesome husbands when I am fighting with mine. I have a hard time reading about husbands coming home when mine is getting ready to leave. I have a hard time reading posts about babies when I secretly would love to have more. I have a hard time reading posts about something exciting going on in a person's life because I am struggling. The list could go on. I just think that FB only shows a glimpse of our lives, the good parts. I think that at times, it's challenging to read posts and not feel jealous. "She must have it all together!" or "Her husband brought home flowers for her. Why can't mine?" Yes, all thoughts I've had. I've had many more, but that would take too long. So with the great capability to reconnect with family and friends and people we've met once or twice or is a mutual friend of a friend, sometimes I'd just like to know that people struggle with the same thoughts and temptations and all of that as I do. Then maybe, just maybe, we could all help each other and be there for each other. Maybe, just maybe, we can have deeper friendships than just the FB friend. Maybe, just maybe we can have real authentic friendships. Friendships where we can be totally and completely raw and open with each other. So, I am challenged to be just that. I hope that I have not portrayed in any of my posts or pictures that I am this person who has it all together with a perfect family, perfect husband, perfect relationship with God, a person who has NO problems.. I truely did not mean to misrepresenting myself. I am no where near the person I want to be. Here are my struggles.. I yell, which I can honestly say, God has really really helped me with yelling. Everyone once in a while I'll give into the temptation to yell because it is just so much easier to yell and get your way rather than working it out with your kids and actually talking to them. Or rather finding a different way to motivate your kids. When I fight with my husband, I get really mad and don't talk to him and then I start to think of all the negative things about him instead of focusing on the positive. Then I get into a downward spiral and I get even more mad at him to where I can be mad for days! God's definitely been working on that one as well. My kids make messes and I don't clean them up. Of course I help with spills, but I don't clean my house but rarely. If you are planning on coming over for dinner and my house is clean when you get here, that means I cleaned before you got here. Don't peak in the closets though. lol. I always have clean clothes around the bedrooms in piles waiting to be hung up or put away. I'm not real big on playing with my kids all the time. Horrible, I know. Don't get me wrong, I love them and we do have fun together, but I just have a hard time getting on the floor and playing. I feel like a failure as a mom, wife, and child of God. I place my husband ahead of God at times. I jump into things without thinking. I often feel alone. I have really high expectations for church and friends and customer service, I mean really. I am greatly humbled by God. He is continuing to work on me everyday. Even some of the things mentioned above, God's already shown me that things need to change in me. I am not looking forward to my Hunny being gone, but I am really looking forward to being able to take this time to focus on my relationship with God, my husband, and my kids. I am also really excited to see how God is going to help me grow in him!! I am so needing that time with God. I am so needing to focus on changing me and continuing to grow in him daily. And yes, it's a process. A process in which I have seen many ladies go through and continue to go through in which I am greatly encouraged! SO I would have to say that even though it's hard for me to read about different things going on in people's lives, that's where God is changing my heart. :) I truely am excited for all the wonderful things going on in people's lives. I have to keep my thoughts in check and realize that FB isn't 100% of real life! All I have to do is  get off of FB and look around! lol! I love my God and I love my life. I love that He continues to show me the things that need to change in my life. He sure does have a sense of humor seeing as I never thought there was anything that needed to be changed in my life. :) We have some good laughs God and I. lol.

Confidence

Well, I feel a bit better today. I was in the car thinking about what I had written yesterday. Confidence. The only thing I am confident in is Christ. So that got me thinking.. If I am confident in Christ, I should be confident in everything because he is always there and he made me to be the person I am today. So, in all of that.. he made me into the mother I am today, the wife I am today, the daughter I am today, the sister I am today, the friend I am today. I am who I am because of Christ. So, no more pity parties for myself. As I always tell the kids when we have a horrible day the day before, "Today is a new day." So, with all that being said, I am greatly humbled by God and his awesomeness. I may get sad and lonely and sad again, but that's ok. What's not ok is to let Satan take those emotions and turn them into his own party. If we are all really honest with ourselves, it feels kind of good to be in your own world and believe the lies Satan tells us. Lies about our spouse. Guilty. Lies about our friends. Guilty again. Lies about ourselves. Guilty, guilty, guilty. The beautiful thing is that the Bible tells us that God always provides a way out. He always gives us that option to get out of whatever sin Satan is tempting us with. That is a lesson I really need to learn and remember. So what I am really honestly tired of is Satan. I am tired of believing the lies and in reality, I am the one who becomes the judge of everyone around me. That's something I have honestly worked really hard at overcoming since I went off to college. It's funny how just when you think you've got things all together, Satan finds a way to break it all to pieces. Funny thing about God though, He knows how to fix it and heal it and mend it all together with his wisdom and grace and neverending love for us. He never ceases to amaze me. So, while I am having a pity party for myself, I just need to remember that the things running through my head, are only Satan's way from making me feel seperated from God, my husband, my family, and my friends. Anyway, those are my thoughts for today. 
So, on a lighter note, I really am enjoying it up here. I do remember going through the same type of phase in Korea. It's easy to look back and remember all the good things, but Korea had it's negatives too. I was also thinking that it took me really about a year to fully adjust and really start making friends. So, I am thinking that I need to cut myself some slack here and give myself time to adjust. And then of course, once I do adjust, it'll be time to move again. lol. hahahhaha. Ah the fun life of an Army Wife. But, as I always say, "Today is a new day". Full of bright sunny days, rainy days, and soon to come.. snowy days. So, I am really excited to see where God is going to lead this year. I have a lot of growing to do as a mother and wife and just as a person really. So I am really excited to see the changes in me this year. I am excited about my MOPS group and where God is leading there. I am excited that I might possibly be starting PWOC. I am really excited to be making cakes in the next few months for people other than my own kids. :) The next cakes are a Spiderman cake, Basket full of leaves and apples cake, a cake with a small basket on it with leaves spilling out, and possibly a birthday cake for my sister, and possibly a birthday cake for a soldier's son in my Hunny's unit. Wow! So looking forward to it!   

Lost but Not Forgotten

I feel lost. I feel as though I want to kick and scream and just jump outside myself. I feel as though everything inside of me just wants to give. I feel pulled and twisted and just plain overwhelmed. Do you ever feel that way? The last few months I have felt lost. I have felt as though my whole world is being turned upside down and downside up. I feel as though the things I am involved in only have half my heart. I don't feel as though my heart isn't in service anymore. Could it be the looming deployment? Could it be the move from one continent to another? Could it be a million of number of things going on in my life? Yep. On the outside, I smile, but oh on the inside, I am falling apart. Not able to bring myself to cry for fear that I'll just lose it and not be able to stop. I feel that if I do break down and let the dealing-with-it process start, it'll never end and I have to be mom to my kids. Maybe if I cry, it's real. Who knows. I'm probably in denial of some sort. The plus side is that I started my devotions again as well as working out. I'm hoping that both of those will bring back the joyful and positive spirit God has blessed me with. "And let us not grow weary when doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not loose heart." Galatians 6:9
 Me feeling lost in a sense all started a few months ago when I heard of the concept "Freedom From Religion." Since then, I feel as though my world has been turn upside down and I can't seem to find the answers. I feel frustrated as if something is stopping me. Maybe I am missing something. That seems to be the topic now days. My days are filled with running to school, MOPS, church, dr appointments, cakes, housework, and somehow finding the time to spend time with my God, husband, and kids. On top of that, I always always feel the desire to volunteer for things. I LOVE to volunteer before I really fully think through things. On the other hand, I love my kids. They crack me up.. which I am listening to them right now. It seems they are the only people I don't feel numb to. I feel numb to God, my Hunny, Church, MOPS, even making cakes. I know once Hunny leaves, it's going to be horrible emotion wise. I know that I can do it. I know that I can hold the fort while he's gone. I have total and complete confidence that God will give me the strength to do so.
I still miss Korea. How do I cope with that? I had a friend there who totally and completely got me. It was awesome. I had a great MOPS group. I had an awesome coordinator who was the pastor's wife who had amazing insight on life and whether I wanted to hear it or not, she had amazing insight on my marriage. I guess I feel as though if I move on from living there, I'll somehow let go of all the amazing people and memories there. I'll somehow forget them. I so badly want to open up and let go and make friendships and put y guard down, but frankly, I'm just tired of making new friends only to leave them again. I know I know, I'll be missing out on some amazing people and friendships. You're right.. uh.. self? lol. I just don't want to let go. Meeting new people is easy for me. Maintaining those friendships is what is hard.
I'm probably just rambling like a crazy person, but if just one person can understand what I am talking about, that would be awesome. A lot of me is really also just tired of keeping up appearances or feeling as though I have to be doing these certian things to be a Christian. Can we just break it down for a second. (it's been a long time since I've blogged apparently) In my head, I feel as though I went from going to church because I absolutely love being there to "I have to make sure I am just in church to keep up appearances". I feel as though if I miss a service, I'll be judged or not accepted. I feel that if I miss devotions, I'm not in God's favor anymore, well, to those around me. I feel as though I am constantly having to maintain my relationship so that other people don't think bad of me. And if life is falling apart, it must be because I am not in my Bible.
So, what is all this rambling about.. I have no idea. The only think I do know, is that I am God's child. The one and only thing that I am confident is God. I know that He will be with me every step of the very confusing way. I don't get it. I don't get why I am so stirred about religion and the freedom from it. I don't know why I am having a hard time letting go of being in Korea and embracing being here. I don't know why I feel as though I am lost and falling apart, but in the midst of it all.. God is there. Somewhere when I can't feel him or see Him.. He is there.