Food For Thought..

  It was me. There I was sitting on my parent's bed with my mom at the tender age of 4. With tears rolling down my face and the fear of life eternally in hell when I died, I prayed with my mom that Jesus would come into my heart and save me. Then more tears flowed, but this time they were happy tears. I can still remember that day clearly. I'll never forget the day I asked Jesus into my heart.

  As I continued to get older, I eventually became really good at religion. For years I felt privileged to say I attended a Christian school and was raised in a Christian home and that my parents are first generation believers in our family. Their story of how they came to Christ rang deep within my heart and mind. I always attended church even through college when I had to decide if I was going to church now that I was 3  hours from home and no one was telling me I had to go. I was involved within church ministries since I was in 7th grade. I even married a man who was a Christian. We had children and brought them to church. All was right with the world, except for one thing... 

  I became very good at religion. I became very good at saying the right words and doing the right things, but I knew there was something missing. I could feel something was not how it should be, but being the good church going girl, I kept diving in, serving, helping, etc.
  Now, I know in my heart that I did ask Jesus into my heart at 4. I can see His hand over me throughout the years, even in the foolish decisions. I can see where the Lord was working to draw me close to Him. I'd try for a while to read my Bible and pray. I always felt less guilty.. for a while of course.. and then I'd go back to living my life again. Trapped in the enemy's lies that all I had to do was say a prayer and I was good for the rest of my life,  raised in a Christian family and went to church my whole life and knew some verses and helped within the church, I was good to go. It wasn't until I prayed to the Lord 5 years ago when I was having a hard time in our marriage where I asked,  well told, well demanded the Lord to show me what, if anything, needed to be changed in me because I didn't think I was the problem in our marriage. He was going to need to show me because I honestly thought there would be nothing.. and the Lord and I have been laughing ever since.
  The Lord has used His Word, prayer, other believers to open my eyes that the thing that was missing, was off, was a relationship with God. I'm sure I was told this along the way, but really understanding what that meant and seeing what that looked like in other believers.. I just didn't see it.  

  So why the confession? Well, since that time, I've watched many of the kids I grew up with or my generation walk away from the church or really religion for many various reasons... a pastor/leader/parent's unfaithfulness, why God lets death and suffering into the world, I didn't get the house/job/car I wanted, God hasn't given me a spouse yet or a child.. you name it and you can find people walking away. Basing our faith in the Lord on our circumstances is tricky business. When things are going great we are more praising of God and worshipping Him and all is right with us. But when circumstances seem unfair, unjust, not what we wanted, well, God doesn't love us or God doesn't care. He left us. And in return I am going to leave him and just forget it because things didn't go how I wanted it to. What we fail to see as Christ followers is that God is in control.. always.
  A while ago God showed me that I wasn't trusting my husband with decisions big or small because I wasn't trusting God. I am so thankful He opened my eyes to this truth. Since then it is an every day trusting the Lord. Trusting He is leading and guiding my husband to make wise decisions for our family. Trust. Big or small. I think that's where so many are walking away. They don't trust God, they don't see He is in control, they don't see what God can in the situation, and most times, they rely on their knowledge of God to get them through life like I was doing. Trusting God is so incredibly freeing and peaceful.
  God is absolutely amazing. He led me to sit down and really say.. Who is this God that I am supposed to be following? I know of Him, but do I really KNOW Him? Someone once gave me the best advice, and pretty logical advice really, "If you want to know God, read about Jesus. Start in Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John." So I did. Seeing as Jesus is God, I concluded that was pretty good advice. It's amazing the difference you can see looking back. I look back to where I was in my relationship with God just 3 years ago and it's so much deeper and different than what it was. It's amazing to see where God will lead when you just sit and read and get to know Him, spend time with Him.
  So what am I getting at and where am I going with this incredibly long post.. which really.. anyone who's read my blog knows I am not short-winded. lol. My heart has been heavy for my generation and the generation coming up. I want to teach my children that it's more than just a prayer. It's more than just going to church every Sunday. It's more than serving in the church. It's more than listening to Christian music, having Christian parents, doing and saying the right things, and it's way way more than knowing about God. My heart hurts for those who walk away from the church because they are looking at the flaws of man as their base for believing. I cry when I hear of people who on the outside were following Christ and from the outward appearance, were committed to Christ but then walk away... which is exactly what the enemy wants.. divide and conquer.. separating us from the truth of God's Word, from other believers who are to be encouraging and building each other up in the Lord, or worse.. when the enemy has us so fooled into thinking we are saved because our parents are saved or because we grew up in the church. I'm no more of a Christian walking into a church than a zebra is a horse because he is running in a horse race... It goes way beyond that. Just some food for thought..

Unworthy

Unworthy by definition is this.. 1. not deserving effort, attention, or respect 2. (of a person's action or behavior) not acceptable, especially from someone with a good reputation or social position. This is how I've been feeling lately. Totally and completely unworthy of God to be the mother to my children. Earlier this week while mowing the lawn, (where I usually do a lot of reflecting, talking to God, and worshipping, at the top of my lungs which I am sure the neighbors appreciate my beautiful voice and I'm witnessing at the same time, so there ya go)I was sitting and thinking of homeschooling next year. I know there will be ups and downs which brought me to think of how unworthy I am to be the mom to our three children. What an incredible privilege God grants us to mother. Whether it's mothering your own children or someone else's children, it is a privilege and responsibility. I see my shortcomings as a mother or person in general. I see my lack of compassion, grace, and patience through my children. What an eye opener looking through the mirror having your kids staring back at you. Even through the thoughts of being unworthy and all the enemy tried to accomplish in discouraging me, I continue to cling to one thought, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Phil 4:13. I can't be the mother God wants me to be without God. I can't have compassion, grace, and patience with my children when I am not first going to my Father seeking Him daily to pour out His compassion, His grace, His long-suffering on to me. God doesn't make a mistake. He has blessed us with these three amazing children that we have the privilege of bringing them to a saving knowledge of Christ. Through God's guidance, we are able to help shape and mold them into these amazing children, teens, adults who want to seek after Him and do His will. It's so easy to sit back and look so far into the future and be completely overwhelmed by the thought of all of this and shut down. That's where I've been the last few days. Feeling shut down and unworthy. But God in His grace and mercy and love for me, doesn't allow me to remain there. God reminds me "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Phil. 4:6-7 Walking with God and having a relationship with Him is a daily thing. It's not a quick prayer when you're in a crisis or going to church on holidays or even falling into the ritual of religion (guilty there). It is an everyday, all day, in the Word, daily making the choice to have a relationship with God. This is where it is so important for me to remember that yes, I fail. Yes, without God I can't be the mother He intended me to be. Yes, there are times I feel unworthy of the blessing, but just like my relationship with God is an everyday at His feet thing, so is being a mom. Coming daily at His feet, lifting my children and myself up in prayer for the day and the challenges and successes that are to come for that day. He will equip me with what I need for that day. Notice, day. Daily, hourly, secondly. 
 I think that one of the most important things God has helped me cling to is that He knows me. He knows our children. He knows this because "O Lord, You have searched me and know me." Psalm 139:1 The whole passage of Psalm 139 is such a beautiful reminder that God made us on purpose and He gave us our children, on purpose. He knew exactly what our children needed in a mom when He created me. Wow. I have sat and pondered that thought and continue to ponder it. Psalm 139:17-18 talk about how His thoughts of me are more than the sand. How precious. 
 It's been a challenging week battling my own self-doubt of being a mother. As I sit here this morning though and see God's reminders, I am encouraged by His Word. Being a mom is a huge responsibility, but 'God doesn't give us more than we can handle' and He didn't give us our children and say, Have at it! Good luck with THAT one!" He offers me His Word, His friendship, His Lordship, His feet to come and sit there so that He can intently guide me, shape me, and mold me as a mother. I am so thankful for His Word, the fellowship of other believers, other moms. Most of all, I am thankful that God doesn't leave me in the muck and grime of my own thoughts. I am thankful that He lifts me up out of the darkness of myself, dusts me off, and puts me back on the path with Him. 

Go and Tell: This is my heart

In the last few years, it seems as though there has been an increase of tragedies. Whether they were natural disasters or human tragedies, there has been an increase just the same. News broadcasts, newspapers, media outlets have all covered extensively and intensively the tragedy that occurs. In years past there has always been a sense of justice when it came to human tragedies. The murderer brought to justice. The bomber brought to justice. The shooter brought to justice. In every major case, justice was always sought after. So as the most recent events in our own country have occurred, I see a change. As God tells us in His Word, right will be wrong and wrong will be right as the time of His coming draws closer. My heart not only gets overwhelmed as I think of all the victims, the real victims, but also for the people doing the hurt, the crime, the tragedy. There is so much on the current events of these tragedies not only throughout the news and media but also throughout the Christian community. As we sit and share article after article, comment after comment on how evil this man is, we forget that we too, apart from God, are just as evil. We forget that God is the ultimate judge and He knows how it will end. My heart aches for the lives lost and the lives lost to a lie, a lie from the enemy that there is no God. It spreads like wildfire throughout our homes, our towns, our nation, and the world. The enemy wreaks havoc on our lives as we continue to believe the lie that we alone can 'do anything we put our minds to' 'be anything we want to be'. The truth is that we believers were once as filthy, lost, disgusting, and vile as those who choose to bring harm to others. The one and only thing that saves us is God, cleansing us and redeeming us, making us each a new person in Christ through Christ. What we really should be doing, dear brothers and sisters, is getting on our knees and praying. Praying that God will use these tragedies to bring lost men, women, and children to Him. We need to be going out in our homes, our towns, our nation, and the world and telling people about God! Our amazing, loving, patient God. I want to reach through the computer and tell these attackers about Jesus and what He did for them because He loves them and wants to redeem them. I want to do the same for each of the victims. Tell them that God has saved their life not just physically but spiritually and He has such big plans for each of them. My heart hurts to think that many people whether involved in huge tragedies or just involved with every life will never know God. I mean really KNOW Him. That my dear friends is the real tragedy. 

"7 And He said to them, "It is not for you to know the times or the seasons which the Father has put in His own authority. 8 But you shall receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you; and you shall be witnesses to Me in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth." Acts 1: 7-8

""And He said to them, "Go into all the world and preach the gospel to every creature." Mark 16:15

Dear Mothers..

How quickly the time goes by as your children continue to grow. From the first moment you find out you are pregnant with your first little one, time seems to fly. There are moments after the baby is born where you wished things would slow down and come to a stop. You wish there was a pause button in life. Wouldn't that be wonderful? Or even a rewind button? As each stage comes and goes, you sit down at some point and wonder where the time has gone. Thousands of diapers changed, hundreds of Cheerios eaten, and a whole lot of sleep deprivation. There are some stages in their life as they grow that you just can't wait for them to outgrow or move past. Tantrums, potty training, and sleepless nights. You sit down again and wonder where the time has gone as your child is now 3! Books  read for the millionth time, songs sung over and over, naps that go too fast. Teaching colors and numbers and letter and animal sounds as it sometimes feels never ending. Now it's time for school with crayons, art smocks, kleenex boxes, and backpacks. You watch them grow with excitement as they enter into this whole new world of learning and playing and hugs for their teacher. You are sad and excited as you know they are now 5. This is when life "slows down and you can get more rest" because you are no longer needed by them 24/7. Funny how we think we will get more sleep but for some of us with more than one child, there is no sleep. Even with one child, there is still no sleep with getting up early for school. Before you know it they are walking down the aisle and graduating from Kindergarten. As you sit and hold your not so little one tight, you think to yourself, "Will life ever slow down and stop flying by so quickly?" Before you can blink they are graduating from high school and are off to college. I'm not to the college stage, but I am past the toddler stage. Oh how I sit down and wish sometimes that I could go back and cherish more of those moments when I didn't feel like singing the ABCs that one more time. Or that time I didn't feel like snuggling because I had had children all over me from sun up to sun down. Oh how I wish I would have taken more time to play and not watched whatever the latest episode was on TV. The last 7 years have flown by right before my eyes, as if in a instant, all of our children went from baby to school age in a blink. Discouraged moms, hold tight and cherish those times with your little ones. They grow up so fast and without warning! lol Taken that extra time to sing a song, play a game, read a book, snuggle, go for a walk, whatever your little one loves to do to spend time with you. It won't last long. 

Deployments..

Whoever said that deployments get easier the more you go through them was clearly lying. They weren't only lying to me, they were lying to their self, and in turn lying to every other military spouse. (just sayin) I'd strongly disagree with that person who told me that 'wise' quote before our second deployment. I think that as you go through them more, you know is to come when your spouse is gone. Each one is different than the last filled with new adventures and surprises. A few things that stay the same are feeling lonely, carrying all the responsibility, and the tears. The last time my Hunny was deployed I thought I was ready. I thought I could do it on my own. I thought it would be easier than the last time now that the kids are older and we were more established in our marriage. I thought wrong. Four months into the last deployment, my children were so out of control from the lack of discipline and me excusing their behavior on daddy being gone I didn't want to take them to the store with me or go out in public. My emotions ran wild and nothing I seemed to do worked out. But I totally could do it on my own. I am so thankful that God showed me that only with Him can I "do all things through Christ who strengthens me". Life changed for us at home. I was no longer excusing horrible behavior or tolerating it. Though I sat and read the Word, that's only what I was doing. Reading the Word, but putting God back on the shelf so that I can do it. "I've got this Papa. Take a break". How gracious and patient is my Papa. Through that whole year, God not only showed me that I can only do things through His strength, He showed me that I don't want to do it without Him or without my husband.I am so thankful and grateful that all God has made my Hunny to be. I am so thankful for the way that he takes care of us as a family. I am thankful for the wisdom God gives him to lead and guide this family. I think that's why this deployment is so tough on me. Before he left, it was I who was lying to me. Yes someone did tell me that 'it gets easier the more they deploy' and foolishly I believed it. Walking around telling myself along with others that by this point it's a piece of cake. But as the time came and is now a few weeks in, I've realized that I've put God on that shelf again. My Hunny leaves and it's back to relying on myself. How patient is my Papa. Again He reminds me that He is my great provider, protector, healer, friend, Father.  

My One Comment On the Elections..

"The LORD had said to Moses, "Pharaoh will refuse to listen to you _ so that my wonders may be multiplied in Egypt." Moses and Aaron performed all these wonders before Pharaoh, but the LORD hardened Pharaoh's heart, and he would not let the Israelites go out of his country." Exodus 11:9-10 Munchkin and I were reading this last night during our devotions and as I read I had to reread it in my head. Over the last few weeks in Ladies Bible Study we have been going through Ezra. We have seen many times who ultimately holds the hearts of the leaders in the Bible and the leaders of today. We should be praying for our President and whoever will take office because ultimately their hearts are in God's hands. We don't know who will take office or what will become of our nation in the next 4 years, but we do know that our King, our Father is holding their hearts and our country in His hands and just as He did with Pharaoh "so that my wonders may be multiplied in Egypt" our Father has a much bigger plan for His children. One way or another, fast or slow, with Obama or Romney, our nation will fall. The more it falls, the closer it is to our Father coming and Oh! I can't wait! Pray. Pray without ceasing! 

Rewind Please

Have you ever had one of those mornings where you wake up thinking it's going to be a great day? Yeah, I woke up feeling that way today. I was a bit tired, but I got in the shower and got myself ready. Today is picture day for the kids, so the kids picked out their clothes last night and I had them ironed and waiting for them on the end of their beds this morning. I woke up one kid and got that one dressed without a problem. Sailed through it and headed to the next room. BAM! There it is.. the start of a very bad morning. Sassiness, me getting yelled at for turning on the lights, said child doesn't want to wear the clothes they picked out last night. Now I had a choice here. I had the choice to lovingly discipline my child or yell like a crazy person. You can guess which one I chose. The day before was a mess and I let the problems from the day before affect my reaction today. So, the morning is going on, no one is listening, I am getting more angry and frustrated because apparently being on time is against our religion and there they were, looking at spiders, procrastinating to get shoes and sweaters on, whining, crying, taking their time getting their hair ponies so I can do their hair, not looking for sweaters, the list just goes on. You know as moms, as the little things build up when you are in a time crunch, you get madder and madder and madder until all you want to do is explode and yell. So in the car we went almost 30 minutes later than when we usually leave. Now we can't get sea belts on or push our seats in. The kids are crying because mommy is crazy this morning and has lost her mind. While we are driving, I am going on and on about the morning and getting louder and louder as I can see spit flying from my mouth as I talk. Even as I write this I am ashamed of how I behaved. I sat there in the car fighting God. Fighting the urge to apologize to my kids. No, not excusing their procrastinating or excusing their tantrums also this morning, but apologizing for me. As I drove away after dropping the kids off, my thoughts then travelled to the events of yesterday. Spewing nasty comments and hurtful things I would say in my head all the while holding back the tears. I make it home, start packing a lunch for my Hunny and after finding out about my morning, he reaches over and hugs me. I couldn't quite stop the tears really. They just flowed down my cheeks. After he left for work, I grabbed my Bible and prayed and wept. No sobbed at my Papa's feet for forgiveness. I cancelled my plans for the morning and sat at His feet crying and reading His Word. Filling up on Him. This morning was a bad morning. I see the effects of me holding in words that need to be said and taken care of that day. My poor kids. They never saw it coming and either did I. I let my anger from yesterday become my weakness today. I am so thankful that God's mercies are new every morning. Even though I failed miserably this morning, I know that I can come to His feet and be renewed. I know that there are many moms out there who can understand my morning completely. When I would talk to moms a few years ago, I would always get the "Oh it's ok to yell sometimes. Then they know you mean business. Don't beat yourself up over it." I'm sorry, but I just don't agree with that. That kind of yelling is a reaction to anger and I can't just excuse it away. I really do wish that there was a rewind button out there. I would do my entire morning different. What if something had happened to me on my way home from school? Would I want my kids to remember their last morning with me as one like today? No thanks. I am thankful that I was able to come and sit at my Papa's feet this morning. I know that's exactly where I need to be. Sigh. Rewind please!