Authentic FB Friends

Ah Facebook. What a great invention. You get to reconnect with kids you went to elementary school, middle school, and high school. You get to stay in touch (or stalk) current friends and family members. You even get to be FB friends with the popular kids who wouldn't dare be friends with you at any stage of school. You also get to keep an eye on friends putting your own advice in when you feel it's 'needed'. On top of all that, you get to tell about your very exciting life! Poke people, play games, post pictures, ah, Facebook. (or post blogs like me. lol) I'm guilty. I've fallen into the fad of Facebook, until something better comes along. Maybe someone should invent something called MySpace or something.. oh wait.. Anyway. My point is that Facebook can be deceiving. I of course really only want to post the good things going on in life. I want to post the pictures of the one time a month I get down on the floor and play with the kids. I want to brag about my husband and kids! Post funny things happening and post moving scripture or video or whatever. The truth is, we should be posting real life. Of course not, "I had a huge fight with my husband and he's a meanie head and is totally wrong and I'm right. So there." Not saying to post all that, but let's be real. I honestly have a hard time reading posts about awesome husbands when I am fighting with mine. I have a hard time reading about husbands coming home when mine is getting ready to leave. I have a hard time reading posts about babies when I secretly would love to have more. I have a hard time reading posts about something exciting going on in a person's life because I am struggling. The list could go on. I just think that FB only shows a glimpse of our lives, the good parts. I think that at times, it's challenging to read posts and not feel jealous. "She must have it all together!" or "Her husband brought home flowers for her. Why can't mine?" Yes, all thoughts I've had. I've had many more, but that would take too long. So with the great capability to reconnect with family and friends and people we've met once or twice or is a mutual friend of a friend, sometimes I'd just like to know that people struggle with the same thoughts and temptations and all of that as I do. Then maybe, just maybe, we could all help each other and be there for each other. Maybe, just maybe, we can have deeper friendships than just the FB friend. Maybe, just maybe we can have real authentic friendships. Friendships where we can be totally and completely raw and open with each other. So, I am challenged to be just that. I hope that I have not portrayed in any of my posts or pictures that I am this person who has it all together with a perfect family, perfect husband, perfect relationship with God, a person who has NO problems.. I truely did not mean to misrepresenting myself. I am no where near the person I want to be. Here are my struggles.. I yell, which I can honestly say, God has really really helped me with yelling. Everyone once in a while I'll give into the temptation to yell because it is just so much easier to yell and get your way rather than working it out with your kids and actually talking to them. Or rather finding a different way to motivate your kids. When I fight with my husband, I get really mad and don't talk to him and then I start to think of all the negative things about him instead of focusing on the positive. Then I get into a downward spiral and I get even more mad at him to where I can be mad for days! God's definitely been working on that one as well. My kids make messes and I don't clean them up. Of course I help with spills, but I don't clean my house but rarely. If you are planning on coming over for dinner and my house is clean when you get here, that means I cleaned before you got here. Don't peak in the closets though. lol. I always have clean clothes around the bedrooms in piles waiting to be hung up or put away. I'm not real big on playing with my kids all the time. Horrible, I know. Don't get me wrong, I love them and we do have fun together, but I just have a hard time getting on the floor and playing. I feel like a failure as a mom, wife, and child of God. I place my husband ahead of God at times. I jump into things without thinking. I often feel alone. I have really high expectations for church and friends and customer service, I mean really. I am greatly humbled by God. He is continuing to work on me everyday. Even some of the things mentioned above, God's already shown me that things need to change in me. I am not looking forward to my Hunny being gone, but I am really looking forward to being able to take this time to focus on my relationship with God, my husband, and my kids. I am also really excited to see how God is going to help me grow in him!! I am so needing that time with God. I am so needing to focus on changing me and continuing to grow in him daily. And yes, it's a process. A process in which I have seen many ladies go through and continue to go through in which I am greatly encouraged! SO I would have to say that even though it's hard for me to read about different things going on in people's lives, that's where God is changing my heart. :) I truely am excited for all the wonderful things going on in people's lives. I have to keep my thoughts in check and realize that FB isn't 100% of real life! All I have to do is  get off of FB and look around! lol! I love my God and I love my life. I love that He continues to show me the things that need to change in my life. He sure does have a sense of humor seeing as I never thought there was anything that needed to be changed in my life. :) We have some good laughs God and I. lol.

Confidence

Well, I feel a bit better today. I was in the car thinking about what I had written yesterday. Confidence. The only thing I am confident in is Christ. So that got me thinking.. If I am confident in Christ, I should be confident in everything because he is always there and he made me to be the person I am today. So, in all of that.. he made me into the mother I am today, the wife I am today, the daughter I am today, the sister I am today, the friend I am today. I am who I am because of Christ. So, no more pity parties for myself. As I always tell the kids when we have a horrible day the day before, "Today is a new day." So, with all that being said, I am greatly humbled by God and his awesomeness. I may get sad and lonely and sad again, but that's ok. What's not ok is to let Satan take those emotions and turn them into his own party. If we are all really honest with ourselves, it feels kind of good to be in your own world and believe the lies Satan tells us. Lies about our spouse. Guilty. Lies about our friends. Guilty again. Lies about ourselves. Guilty, guilty, guilty. The beautiful thing is that the Bible tells us that God always provides a way out. He always gives us that option to get out of whatever sin Satan is tempting us with. That is a lesson I really need to learn and remember. So what I am really honestly tired of is Satan. I am tired of believing the lies and in reality, I am the one who becomes the judge of everyone around me. That's something I have honestly worked really hard at overcoming since I went off to college. It's funny how just when you think you've got things all together, Satan finds a way to break it all to pieces. Funny thing about God though, He knows how to fix it and heal it and mend it all together with his wisdom and grace and neverending love for us. He never ceases to amaze me. So, while I am having a pity party for myself, I just need to remember that the things running through my head, are only Satan's way from making me feel seperated from God, my husband, my family, and my friends. Anyway, those are my thoughts for today. 
So, on a lighter note, I really am enjoying it up here. I do remember going through the same type of phase in Korea. It's easy to look back and remember all the good things, but Korea had it's negatives too. I was also thinking that it took me really about a year to fully adjust and really start making friends. So, I am thinking that I need to cut myself some slack here and give myself time to adjust. And then of course, once I do adjust, it'll be time to move again. lol. hahahhaha. Ah the fun life of an Army Wife. But, as I always say, "Today is a new day". Full of bright sunny days, rainy days, and soon to come.. snowy days. So, I am really excited to see where God is going to lead this year. I have a lot of growing to do as a mother and wife and just as a person really. So I am really excited to see the changes in me this year. I am excited about my MOPS group and where God is leading there. I am excited that I might possibly be starting PWOC. I am really excited to be making cakes in the next few months for people other than my own kids. :) The next cakes are a Spiderman cake, Basket full of leaves and apples cake, a cake with a small basket on it with leaves spilling out, and possibly a birthday cake for my sister, and possibly a birthday cake for a soldier's son in my Hunny's unit. Wow! So looking forward to it!   

Lost but Not Forgotten

I feel lost. I feel as though I want to kick and scream and just jump outside myself. I feel as though everything inside of me just wants to give. I feel pulled and twisted and just plain overwhelmed. Do you ever feel that way? The last few months I have felt lost. I have felt as though my whole world is being turned upside down and downside up. I feel as though the things I am involved in only have half my heart. I don't feel as though my heart isn't in service anymore. Could it be the looming deployment? Could it be the move from one continent to another? Could it be a million of number of things going on in my life? Yep. On the outside, I smile, but oh on the inside, I am falling apart. Not able to bring myself to cry for fear that I'll just lose it and not be able to stop. I feel that if I do break down and let the dealing-with-it process start, it'll never end and I have to be mom to my kids. Maybe if I cry, it's real. Who knows. I'm probably in denial of some sort. The plus side is that I started my devotions again as well as working out. I'm hoping that both of those will bring back the joyful and positive spirit God has blessed me with. "And let us not grow weary when doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not loose heart." Galatians 6:9
 Me feeling lost in a sense all started a few months ago when I heard of the concept "Freedom From Religion." Since then, I feel as though my world has been turn upside down and I can't seem to find the answers. I feel frustrated as if something is stopping me. Maybe I am missing something. That seems to be the topic now days. My days are filled with running to school, MOPS, church, dr appointments, cakes, housework, and somehow finding the time to spend time with my God, husband, and kids. On top of that, I always always feel the desire to volunteer for things. I LOVE to volunteer before I really fully think through things. On the other hand, I love my kids. They crack me up.. which I am listening to them right now. It seems they are the only people I don't feel numb to. I feel numb to God, my Hunny, Church, MOPS, even making cakes. I know once Hunny leaves, it's going to be horrible emotion wise. I know that I can do it. I know that I can hold the fort while he's gone. I have total and complete confidence that God will give me the strength to do so.
I still miss Korea. How do I cope with that? I had a friend there who totally and completely got me. It was awesome. I had a great MOPS group. I had an awesome coordinator who was the pastor's wife who had amazing insight on life and whether I wanted to hear it or not, she had amazing insight on my marriage. I guess I feel as though if I move on from living there, I'll somehow let go of all the amazing people and memories there. I'll somehow forget them. I so badly want to open up and let go and make friendships and put y guard down, but frankly, I'm just tired of making new friends only to leave them again. I know I know, I'll be missing out on some amazing people and friendships. You're right.. uh.. self? lol. I just don't want to let go. Meeting new people is easy for me. Maintaining those friendships is what is hard.
I'm probably just rambling like a crazy person, but if just one person can understand what I am talking about, that would be awesome. A lot of me is really also just tired of keeping up appearances or feeling as though I have to be doing these certian things to be a Christian. Can we just break it down for a second. (it's been a long time since I've blogged apparently) In my head, I feel as though I went from going to church because I absolutely love being there to "I have to make sure I am just in church to keep up appearances". I feel as though if I miss a service, I'll be judged or not accepted. I feel that if I miss devotions, I'm not in God's favor anymore, well, to those around me. I feel as though I am constantly having to maintain my relationship so that other people don't think bad of me. And if life is falling apart, it must be because I am not in my Bible.
So, what is all this rambling about.. I have no idea. The only think I do know, is that I am God's child. The one and only thing that I am confident is God. I know that He will be with me every step of the very confusing way. I don't get it. I don't get why I am so stirred about religion and the freedom from it. I don't know why I am having a hard time letting go of being in Korea and embracing being here. I don't know why I feel as though I am lost and falling apart, but in the midst of it all.. God is there. Somewhere when I can't feel him or see Him.. He is there.