Lost but Not Forgotten

I feel lost. I feel as though I want to kick and scream and just jump outside myself. I feel as though everything inside of me just wants to give. I feel pulled and twisted and just plain overwhelmed. Do you ever feel that way? The last few months I have felt lost. I have felt as though my whole world is being turned upside down and downside up. I feel as though the things I am involved in only have half my heart. I don't feel as though my heart isn't in service anymore. Could it be the looming deployment? Could it be the move from one continent to another? Could it be a million of number of things going on in my life? Yep. On the outside, I smile, but oh on the inside, I am falling apart. Not able to bring myself to cry for fear that I'll just lose it and not be able to stop. I feel that if I do break down and let the dealing-with-it process start, it'll never end and I have to be mom to my kids. Maybe if I cry, it's real. Who knows. I'm probably in denial of some sort. The plus side is that I started my devotions again as well as working out. I'm hoping that both of those will bring back the joyful and positive spirit God has blessed me with. "And let us not grow weary when doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not loose heart." Galatians 6:9
 Me feeling lost in a sense all started a few months ago when I heard of the concept "Freedom From Religion." Since then, I feel as though my world has been turn upside down and I can't seem to find the answers. I feel frustrated as if something is stopping me. Maybe I am missing something. That seems to be the topic now days. My days are filled with running to school, MOPS, church, dr appointments, cakes, housework, and somehow finding the time to spend time with my God, husband, and kids. On top of that, I always always feel the desire to volunteer for things. I LOVE to volunteer before I really fully think through things. On the other hand, I love my kids. They crack me up.. which I am listening to them right now. It seems they are the only people I don't feel numb to. I feel numb to God, my Hunny, Church, MOPS, even making cakes. I know once Hunny leaves, it's going to be horrible emotion wise. I know that I can do it. I know that I can hold the fort while he's gone. I have total and complete confidence that God will give me the strength to do so.
I still miss Korea. How do I cope with that? I had a friend there who totally and completely got me. It was awesome. I had a great MOPS group. I had an awesome coordinator who was the pastor's wife who had amazing insight on life and whether I wanted to hear it or not, she had amazing insight on my marriage. I guess I feel as though if I move on from living there, I'll somehow let go of all the amazing people and memories there. I'll somehow forget them. I so badly want to open up and let go and make friendships and put y guard down, but frankly, I'm just tired of making new friends only to leave them again. I know I know, I'll be missing out on some amazing people and friendships. You're right.. uh.. self? lol. I just don't want to let go. Meeting new people is easy for me. Maintaining those friendships is what is hard.
I'm probably just rambling like a crazy person, but if just one person can understand what I am talking about, that would be awesome. A lot of me is really also just tired of keeping up appearances or feeling as though I have to be doing these certian things to be a Christian. Can we just break it down for a second. (it's been a long time since I've blogged apparently) In my head, I feel as though I went from going to church because I absolutely love being there to "I have to make sure I am just in church to keep up appearances". I feel as though if I miss a service, I'll be judged or not accepted. I feel that if I miss devotions, I'm not in God's favor anymore, well, to those around me. I feel as though I am constantly having to maintain my relationship so that other people don't think bad of me. And if life is falling apart, it must be because I am not in my Bible.
So, what is all this rambling about.. I have no idea. The only think I do know, is that I am God's child. The one and only thing that I am confident is God. I know that He will be with me every step of the very confusing way. I don't get it. I don't get why I am so stirred about religion and the freedom from it. I don't know why I am having a hard time letting go of being in Korea and embracing being here. I don't know why I feel as though I am lost and falling apart, but in the midst of it all.. God is there. Somewhere when I can't feel him or see Him.. He is there.