Laura Story - Blessings

Day... I have no idea

I always was bad at math... and still am. :) So the last few days have been fine with no tv, FB, or sweets. It's funny because I've tried to cut back on all of those things seperately and have never been able to do it. I always cave in shortly after starting. So when I felt God was nudging me.. no no, he was flat out showing me to do this for 40 days, I couldn't refuse. I have to say, that this isn't all about just giving up something for Lent for me. This goes far deeper than just the material things of FB, TV, or sweets. For me, this is about selfishness and pride. Can I say too.. God definitely has confirmed this to me too. Since before making the decision to give something up for Lent, God has been talking to me. Now, normally when God has talked to me, it's been through me feeling it in my heart. Like, "I know God wants me to do this because my heart gets all fuzzy and I can just feel him." Can't always say those "feelings" were directly from God or whether they are just me being overly pasionate about something. This time, however, has been different. God is changing me and changing the way he speaks to me. Now, it's taken me a while to realize this until a friend pointed out it out. Since leaving Korea, I've felt as though I have been talking to the ceiling or standing waving my arms saying, "Hello!? I'm here Lord! Please just speak to me!" So desperately have I wanted to hear God speak to me the way I know he can only do. While waiting and waiting, I've not been able to see God still speaking to me, just differently. So, once again I was on my knees calling out to God a few months ago. I was boldly asking God to change me because I didn't like who I was without Him honestly being the center of my life. If it was a decision between watching tv and reading God's Word, tv won. I'd fill myself with sweets because I felt that void of having God near. I'd sit and be complacent in my parenting and just in life all around and drown out reality with FB. God was speaking to mea few weeks ago and revealing to me what needed to be changed. So, the day before I started Lent, I went to my MOPS meeting. Now hold on to your seats because God is so awesome! There were two ladies that spoke that day. One lady gave the devotional and one lady gave the talk for the day. Both of them, yes both of them, talked about selfishness. Thursday morning Bible Study we also talked about selfishness. Skipping ahead a few days to Saturday, I started reading Landmines by Charles Stanley. I got to the end of the first chapter and what do I see? Chapter 2: The Landmine of Pride. The next morning as I sat in church, Pastor's message was on Selfishness and Pride. Then again Sunday night service, he also talked more in depth about selfishness and pride. Wow. Wow. I am so thankful to be hearing God again. It makes me wonder what else I've missed because I was too busy worrying about myself and not being able to hear God how I know he always speaks to me. Because you know, it's not as though God is God and he can chose to speak to us whatever way he wants to! lol So, the last week has gone good. Of course the urge or desire to watch tv is still there or eat sweets or get on FB, but they all seem so much less important than what they were. I'm very excited to continue and see what else God has in store for me. What he's going to reveal to me or even just to mold and shape in pride and selfishness. Not to say that it's a check list, like, "Ok, worked on that. Check. Now what?" Not at all. I know that it's a continual process of being molded and shaped into who God wants me to be for Him. So, until next time..

Day 3 er 4

Day three was good. We had a very busy day with school, the gym, running errands, and having a friend over. The kids and I played games and read a ton of books last night. It was a pretty good day. My patience kind of dwindled at the end of the night, but al in all, it was good. :)

Day 2

Well, Day two is done. Check. Funny how that is still in my head, as if it's a countdown to being a slave again to FB, tv, and sweets. This morning I woke up and again, was able to get things done. I was actually early for Bible Study at my friend's house. Yay! :) Today, I had Hunny change my FB password and gave my tv cables to my friend to hold onto until Easter. Can I just say, it wasn't until tonight, where spending most of my day actually taking the time to clean up after dinner, looking up cake designs or just ideas for some cakes coming up, cleaning the kids rooms.. I noticed that it didn't matter what I enjoyed or what I like to do, it's not FB or tv or sweets that is the problem, it's me. Me. I love God and I long and yearn and desire to be near him. I look at my oldest daughter who's heart is so sensitive to God right now that she literally cries because she wants to be with Jesus. She had tears in her eyes as we sat last week and watched a movie about the birth, life, death, and Resurrection of Christ. She was so sad that He had to die for us, but was excited and was bouncing on the couch when he rose again and ascended to heaven. Anyway, the point is, I have that passion and desire, but no matter what I take out of my life, unless I change my priority to Christ, I am going to continue to struggle with placing things in front of God and my relationship with him. When the idea of practicing Lent was thought of, I was like, man I am going to get so much done. I'll have so much time to read a few books I've been wanting to read or get the house cleaned. lol. How interesting that in taking these other things out, I just think of a million other things to take their places. Today was an eye opener for me with that. And that just because I am doing this doesn't mean the kids are going to be perfect or that I am not going to struggle with yelling. Praying for wisdom on how to teach our little ones about a relationship with God and letting God shine through me to them. I've been encouraged to hear Sweet Pea talking about me reading my Bible and seeing the kids sitting and "reading" their Bibles. :) And listening to them singing Veggie Tale songs is really awesome too. I love listening to their little voices singing praises to God. There's just something about your own children praising God with you that just is so amazing. :)

Day 1.. What in the World was I Thinking!?!?

Yep, that was my thought last night as all these thoughts flooded my head and then the anxiety crept in. Then as I woke up this morning, the habits of my regular day out the window, I immediately began to think (before getting out of bed mind you), "What in the world was I thinking giving up all those things for Lent? I'm not even Catholic or apart of a religion that practices Lent?!" Then I got up, got the girls ready for school, and actually got showered before 9am! I actually had time to run to the car place and get my wiper fixed. Because that took a whole 5 minutes of which I wasn't expecting, I actually had time to run around and find a dog kennel. Imagine that! I had TIME. Well, why didn't I have time before? Let me think about that.. I was watching tv and then playing on the internet or vice versa. Whichever. Then I'd get in the shower at oh 9:30/10 just in time to get out, get dressed and rush out the door with Buddy to get Sweet Pea from school at 11. Wow! I thought I was bad with time management, but come to find out, it's just because I am filling my time with things that aren't that important. FB became my connection to the world back home while we were in Korea. TV wasn't a big deal in Korea as we only had a few English speaking channels. So I did find that I was turning off tv more and having time to do other more important things, like play with the kids or be creative with them. So, overall, today was a great day. I was able to have time for devotions today, which was great. Didn't find a kennel, but I am sure I will. The point is, I do have time to do these other things, I am just lazy and don't want to do them. They aren't entertaining, which really, sometimes life is when you aren't on the go all the time or so impatient. So, today, I got a lot accomplished and was able to relax with the kids a bit and just laugh. All in all, good day today! 

Lent

Well, here I am. I've never observed Lent until this year. For the last few months, I have felt God moving, convicting, and speaking to me throughout my everyday life. Whether it be through a message from church, a podcast, music, or just my kids, God was talking. I'm not for sure how long God has been trying to talk with me because I like to talk a lot. So I have a hard time sitting still and listening to my Papa. Oh the things He has taught me in the last almost year since leaving Korea. This time last year we were anxiously counting down the days, and yet sad to be leaving behind dear friends. It was getting warm there and the trees were just starting to show signs of life. How awesome, side note, is it that these trees and flowers and the grass just keep coming back every year! God is so awesome in how he created everything. So, the last few weeks, I have really felt God tugging at my heart and I have to be honest, I wasn't really all fall on my knees in obediance. So I began to think about Lent. One of my favorite passages in the Bible is Matthew 4:1-11. Amazing passage on how Christ fasted in the desert for 40 days. So I began to think and God began to nudge a little harder for me to get my priorities straight with Him. My kids, I love them, but they are not my everything like they used to be. In fact, I've seen them as a burden. I heard a great messages at my MOPS group here by two different ladies. One was a devotion and the other was the actual talk. And man, with the Lord nudging me about selfishness and pride, he sure has a way to really bring home the point to you. lol. "Ok, Ok Lord. I submit to you." Now on my knees, humbling myself before my God, my King, my Savior, my Papa, I am here and ready. So, what does this have to do with Lent you ask? Well, I didn't realize that Lent started today, Ash Wednesday until the mentor mom at my table said it did. Good thing I did my research. lol. So, for Lent I am giving up tv, FB, and dessert/sweets. Wow! All three?!? you ask? Well, I got a lot of this as a response, "Wow! Going all out! You know that you are only supposed to give up 1 thing for Lent right? lol. Yes I do know that. Here's my thing though, If I only take away the tv, then I am going to be on FB more. If I take away FB, then I'll be on the tv more. And if I only give up the two and not desserts, well, I am going to fill that void with sweets rather than the Word. So, for me, that is one thing because they all go hand in hand with each other. They might not for some, but I know myself and my weaknesses, and trust me, they go hand in hand. 

Another reason all of this is God's timing is the last few weeks God has really been convicting me like I said of selfishness and pride. Selfishness with my kids and just wanting that time to myself! I've noticed how they talk with each other or act towards each other and it's a mirror of me. For the majority of their lives, it's been just me raising them. Hold on, back up you say. Yes, Hunny is here (not at the moment of course.. lol), but during the day, it is me training them. While he is in the field or deployed, I am raising them up (with both of our standards of course). So, as I sat and watched them one day, I realized that I am doing a really horrible job. Now, I've had the mommy guilt over that whole issue, but I know that is just Satan's way of getting me down. So, I know and am confident that God is still shaping and  molding me until I am with him. So are there rocky days, yes, but I now am confident in knowing that God is still working on me. Which again, is another reason I decided to practice Lent this year. I know that at the end of these 40 days, I will be so much closer to God and my family. I know that there are blessings at the end. So I am really excited to get started. I am hoping to write about it, but we'll see if there is time. lol.  

7 year itch.. or is it?

Monday marks our 7 year anniversary. Wow! As I sit here, I can't help but to think back on what was going on during those last 2 weeks building up to "The Big Day". Hunny had just gotten back from Germany and was taking leave so we could get married. We went to church, youth group, watched movies (an occuring theme in our marriage), pre-marriage counseling, did last minute preparations, had rehearsal, etc. The day of I had my hair done, make up on, dress on, and was ready to go down that aisle! I remember that as we prepared for the wedding, I had such high expectations or fantasies about what marriage was going to be like. I dreamed that we would never fight and if we did of course, we would have these long, heart-filled conversations to talk it out. Then we would kiss and make up and then the music would play and the lights would dim.. and cut. I dreamed that we would have lots of children, I would always stay at home, my husband would do the chores that well, men do. Our children would blissfully be playing together as they grew. Well, pretty much that everything would be peachy and fantastic all the days of our life. "I Do". What strong words for just being 3 letters. Did any of that happen the way I thought it would? No not really. God had a better plan for us. We said I do and as soon as we moved to our next duty station, well, I began to wonder.. "Who is this person I married?! I want to go home! I want my dad and mom!" God knew that I was going to need to be away from home so that I couldn't run to dad and mom everytime life got hard. Everytime my marriage got hard. Those expectations of what "Man Chores"are, yep, they are shared. How do you like that? I stay home, go to school and he can't even take out the garbage! It's not as though he is getting up at 5:15 to make it to PT in the morning and then has to put in a full day of working, not getting home until 6pm. Hmm.. Oh wait. I guess that reality and understanding doesn't come in til later. Rewind.. Man, I just can't believe it. Humph. (Back to my tantrum and fit). So, as the adjusting to each other continued, we moved and became pregnant with Munchkin. Aww.. By this time, things were going really great. We were working together as a team. Munchkin came and Hunny left shortly after to go overseas. Well, time to adjusting to him not being there. So, Mommy/Daddy emerged. Fastforward a year, Munchkin now almost 18 months and we now had a 2 month old. Wow, were we different people who didn't see eye to eye on anything and this person who I said "I Do" to, is not the same person. Of course I had not changed. I had not been unreasonable. I had not been disrespectful to my Hunny. I, I, I. Yep, I am doing just fine. So, as the horrible time of adjusting came and went, we were moving out of the military and were back to working as a team again. Over the next year and yet again, another baby later, we were moving back into the military, only, Korea was our next destination. While Hunny left for overseas again, God began to work on me. And boy, have we come a long way. I began to see my husband through God's eyes. Now, does that mean that things were perfect? Not at all, but God has been working on us. Korea was a great growing time for me to be planted and rooted in God. And as soon as the "checklist of fixing myself" was done, it was time to move again. Well, I worked on all of those one time, so I am good! Wrong! I had a hard time coming back to the states and took it out on my husband, my kids, and people around me. The church. Aweful. Then God started working on my husband. Let me tell you ladies. Stop nagging your husbands and just let God work! Do you really think that nagging at your husband is going to make them say, "Oh my goodness Honey! You are right! Oh how much I love you! Thanks for being SO persistant in showing me how wrong I am!" NOT! Pray, pray, pray! I am so guilty of nagging my husband to talk about his feelings or am so guilty of stepping in as my husband is disciplining. I am so guilty of constantly disrespecting my husband in a backlash of not feeling loved. I have learned so much the last 7 years that I tell you, during all the lows, it would have been easy to give up. I am so glad, however, that God holds us to our covanents to each other. Well, it had to have been all my husband's fault because he didn't show me this great fantisized love! Ladies, those romance movies are so dangerous. Do I still watch them? Yes, but with new eyes. Hello! They are movies! And somebody writes that stuff! Anyway, it's been 7 years of God continuing to show us grace as we stumble around trying to "get this marriage thing right". I think of all the changes that have gone on within my marriage because of God's timing. I think of how much I am in love with my husband and it's not because of the things he says to me, the things he does for me, or how he treats me. I am so in love with my husband because God has allowed me to look at Hunny through His eyes and not mine. My Hunny is so amazing. He works such long hours being overseas, yet again. He works hard to protect us, to protect this country. This deployment is different on so many levels. It's so amazing when you step back and just let God do what he does.. draw us to him. (amongst many, many other things). 
As I remember walking down the aisle, I had my veil, my dress, my arm in my daddy's arm. I remember laughing because if I had stopped laughing, I would have been crying. It's such a scary, yet exciting adventure this marriage thing. I remember the first thing I said to my soon to be husband.. "So, you got pulled over last night for doing doughnuts in the parking lot?" Man, I think I started off on the wrong foot there with my now husband. How foolish of me to be half scolding him on our wedding day. The beginning of a lot of "scolding" in our marriage. I remember us laughing about it, and it's still funny that he was doing doughnuts the night before our wedding. lol. My role as a wife isn't to take charge, change my husband, or take over my family. It's not to be the head of the house. I am commanded to respect my husband, whatever that is to him, I am to respect him. Whether I feel like it or not. Whether I think he deserves it or not. (Can you tell we are doing the Love and Respect book and workbook together?) It's true though, it is a cycle. Women, you want to feel loved by your husband? Show him respect. Ok, ok, putting my soap box away. :) Back to what I was saying... I remember not giving it a second thought as I walked down the aisle. As I got closer, I got more giggly. (as not to cry of course). I was SO excited to be marrying this man! This handsome handsome man who I knew loved me! I didn't know what was ahead of us as we stood there before God, our families, our friends. Total bliss came to mind a few times. :) We don't have all the answers and we certainly aren't always in bliss together. I can honestly say though, that as we are coming on 7 years tomorrow, I would still walk down that aisle.. no no, I would be running down that aisle as my future stood there waiting for me to get to him. 7 years later, I love him more right now than I did back then. I respect him more now than I did back then. I appreciate him now more than I did back then. I completely love him now more than I did back then. I love who he is in God and who God has molded him to be. I love his passion for Christ and his deep deep love for me. I love the way he encourages me. I love the way he makes me laugh. I love the way he loves me. 
So, with all this rambling.. where am I going with all this? Marraige is hard work. It's easy to give up and walk away. What's not easy is trusting God. It's not easy to trust that He will work things out. It's not easy to let your husband be who he is. It's not easy to be confronted with who you are and realize that you don't like who you are. It's not easy to take that and then change. It's not easy to stay together. It's not easy to be parents. It's not easy to parent differently but then come to a common ground. It's not easy to let your husband be the head of the house. There are a lot of set backs, a lot of changes, a lot of patience needed, a lot of unconditional love needed, a lot of unconditional respect needed, a lot, a lot of God being the center needed. So, do I feel that "7 year itch" that so many talk about? Not a bit. I love being married to my Hunny, even when it's the darkest of the dark. So, Happy anniversary to MY Hunny! The last 7 years of marriage have been nothing of what I had fantisized about as I walked down that aisle. There have been lots of ups and downs, but I would walk down that aisle a million times over if it meant I would learn the same lessons and be molded in the same way that God has molded you and I to be. You are amazing! You are my hero! I love you Hunny!!