Food For Thought..

  It was me. There I was sitting on my parent's bed with my mom at the tender age of 4. With tears rolling down my face and the fear of life eternally in hell when I died, I prayed with my mom that Jesus would come into my heart and save me. Then more tears flowed, but this time they were happy tears. I can still remember that day clearly. I'll never forget the day I asked Jesus into my heart.

  As I continued to get older, I eventually became really good at religion. For years I felt privileged to say I attended a Christian school and was raised in a Christian home and that my parents are first generation believers in our family. Their story of how they came to Christ rang deep within my heart and mind. I always attended church even through college when I had to decide if I was going to church now that I was 3  hours from home and no one was telling me I had to go. I was involved within church ministries since I was in 7th grade. I even married a man who was a Christian. We had children and brought them to church. All was right with the world, except for one thing... 

  I became very good at religion. I became very good at saying the right words and doing the right things, but I knew there was something missing. I could feel something was not how it should be, but being the good church going girl, I kept diving in, serving, helping, etc.
  Now, I know in my heart that I did ask Jesus into my heart at 4. I can see His hand over me throughout the years, even in the foolish decisions. I can see where the Lord was working to draw me close to Him. I'd try for a while to read my Bible and pray. I always felt less guilty.. for a while of course.. and then I'd go back to living my life again. Trapped in the enemy's lies that all I had to do was say a prayer and I was good for the rest of my life,  raised in a Christian family and went to church my whole life and knew some verses and helped within the church, I was good to go. It wasn't until I prayed to the Lord 5 years ago when I was having a hard time in our marriage where I asked,  well told, well demanded the Lord to show me what, if anything, needed to be changed in me because I didn't think I was the problem in our marriage. He was going to need to show me because I honestly thought there would be nothing.. and the Lord and I have been laughing ever since.
  The Lord has used His Word, prayer, other believers to open my eyes that the thing that was missing, was off, was a relationship with God. I'm sure I was told this along the way, but really understanding what that meant and seeing what that looked like in other believers.. I just didn't see it.  

  So why the confession? Well, since that time, I've watched many of the kids I grew up with or my generation walk away from the church or really religion for many various reasons... a pastor/leader/parent's unfaithfulness, why God lets death and suffering into the world, I didn't get the house/job/car I wanted, God hasn't given me a spouse yet or a child.. you name it and you can find people walking away. Basing our faith in the Lord on our circumstances is tricky business. When things are going great we are more praising of God and worshipping Him and all is right with us. But when circumstances seem unfair, unjust, not what we wanted, well, God doesn't love us or God doesn't care. He left us. And in return I am going to leave him and just forget it because things didn't go how I wanted it to. What we fail to see as Christ followers is that God is in control.. always.
  A while ago God showed me that I wasn't trusting my husband with decisions big or small because I wasn't trusting God. I am so thankful He opened my eyes to this truth. Since then it is an every day trusting the Lord. Trusting He is leading and guiding my husband to make wise decisions for our family. Trust. Big or small. I think that's where so many are walking away. They don't trust God, they don't see He is in control, they don't see what God can in the situation, and most times, they rely on their knowledge of God to get them through life like I was doing. Trusting God is so incredibly freeing and peaceful.
  God is absolutely amazing. He led me to sit down and really say.. Who is this God that I am supposed to be following? I know of Him, but do I really KNOW Him? Someone once gave me the best advice, and pretty logical advice really, "If you want to know God, read about Jesus. Start in Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John." So I did. Seeing as Jesus is God, I concluded that was pretty good advice. It's amazing the difference you can see looking back. I look back to where I was in my relationship with God just 3 years ago and it's so much deeper and different than what it was. It's amazing to see where God will lead when you just sit and read and get to know Him, spend time with Him.
  So what am I getting at and where am I going with this incredibly long post.. which really.. anyone who's read my blog knows I am not short-winded. lol. My heart has been heavy for my generation and the generation coming up. I want to teach my children that it's more than just a prayer. It's more than just going to church every Sunday. It's more than serving in the church. It's more than listening to Christian music, having Christian parents, doing and saying the right things, and it's way way more than knowing about God. My heart hurts for those who walk away from the church because they are looking at the flaws of man as their base for believing. I cry when I hear of people who on the outside were following Christ and from the outward appearance, were committed to Christ but then walk away... which is exactly what the enemy wants.. divide and conquer.. separating us from the truth of God's Word, from other believers who are to be encouraging and building each other up in the Lord, or worse.. when the enemy has us so fooled into thinking we are saved because our parents are saved or because we grew up in the church. I'm no more of a Christian walking into a church than a zebra is a horse because he is running in a horse race... It goes way beyond that. Just some food for thought..

Unworthy

Unworthy by definition is this.. 1. not deserving effort, attention, or respect 2. (of a person's action or behavior) not acceptable, especially from someone with a good reputation or social position. This is how I've been feeling lately. Totally and completely unworthy of God to be the mother to my children. Earlier this week while mowing the lawn, (where I usually do a lot of reflecting, talking to God, and worshipping, at the top of my lungs which I am sure the neighbors appreciate my beautiful voice and I'm witnessing at the same time, so there ya go)I was sitting and thinking of homeschooling next year. I know there will be ups and downs which brought me to think of how unworthy I am to be the mom to our three children. What an incredible privilege God grants us to mother. Whether it's mothering your own children or someone else's children, it is a privilege and responsibility. I see my shortcomings as a mother or person in general. I see my lack of compassion, grace, and patience through my children. What an eye opener looking through the mirror having your kids staring back at you. Even through the thoughts of being unworthy and all the enemy tried to accomplish in discouraging me, I continue to cling to one thought, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Phil 4:13. I can't be the mother God wants me to be without God. I can't have compassion, grace, and patience with my children when I am not first going to my Father seeking Him daily to pour out His compassion, His grace, His long-suffering on to me. God doesn't make a mistake. He has blessed us with these three amazing children that we have the privilege of bringing them to a saving knowledge of Christ. Through God's guidance, we are able to help shape and mold them into these amazing children, teens, adults who want to seek after Him and do His will. It's so easy to sit back and look so far into the future and be completely overwhelmed by the thought of all of this and shut down. That's where I've been the last few days. Feeling shut down and unworthy. But God in His grace and mercy and love for me, doesn't allow me to remain there. God reminds me "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Phil. 4:6-7 Walking with God and having a relationship with Him is a daily thing. It's not a quick prayer when you're in a crisis or going to church on holidays or even falling into the ritual of religion (guilty there). It is an everyday, all day, in the Word, daily making the choice to have a relationship with God. This is where it is so important for me to remember that yes, I fail. Yes, without God I can't be the mother He intended me to be. Yes, there are times I feel unworthy of the blessing, but just like my relationship with God is an everyday at His feet thing, so is being a mom. Coming daily at His feet, lifting my children and myself up in prayer for the day and the challenges and successes that are to come for that day. He will equip me with what I need for that day. Notice, day. Daily, hourly, secondly. 
 I think that one of the most important things God has helped me cling to is that He knows me. He knows our children. He knows this because "O Lord, You have searched me and know me." Psalm 139:1 The whole passage of Psalm 139 is such a beautiful reminder that God made us on purpose and He gave us our children, on purpose. He knew exactly what our children needed in a mom when He created me. Wow. I have sat and pondered that thought and continue to ponder it. Psalm 139:17-18 talk about how His thoughts of me are more than the sand. How precious. 
 It's been a challenging week battling my own self-doubt of being a mother. As I sit here this morning though and see God's reminders, I am encouraged by His Word. Being a mom is a huge responsibility, but 'God doesn't give us more than we can handle' and He didn't give us our children and say, Have at it! Good luck with THAT one!" He offers me His Word, His friendship, His Lordship, His feet to come and sit there so that He can intently guide me, shape me, and mold me as a mother. I am so thankful for His Word, the fellowship of other believers, other moms. Most of all, I am thankful that God doesn't leave me in the muck and grime of my own thoughts. I am thankful that He lifts me up out of the darkness of myself, dusts me off, and puts me back on the path with Him. 

Go and Tell: This is my heart

In the last few years, it seems as though there has been an increase of tragedies. Whether they were natural disasters or human tragedies, there has been an increase just the same. News broadcasts, newspapers, media outlets have all covered extensively and intensively the tragedy that occurs. In years past there has always been a sense of justice when it came to human tragedies. The murderer brought to justice. The bomber brought to justice. The shooter brought to justice. In every major case, justice was always sought after. So as the most recent events in our own country have occurred, I see a change. As God tells us in His Word, right will be wrong and wrong will be right as the time of His coming draws closer. My heart not only gets overwhelmed as I think of all the victims, the real victims, but also for the people doing the hurt, the crime, the tragedy. There is so much on the current events of these tragedies not only throughout the news and media but also throughout the Christian community. As we sit and share article after article, comment after comment on how evil this man is, we forget that we too, apart from God, are just as evil. We forget that God is the ultimate judge and He knows how it will end. My heart aches for the lives lost and the lives lost to a lie, a lie from the enemy that there is no God. It spreads like wildfire throughout our homes, our towns, our nation, and the world. The enemy wreaks havoc on our lives as we continue to believe the lie that we alone can 'do anything we put our minds to' 'be anything we want to be'. The truth is that we believers were once as filthy, lost, disgusting, and vile as those who choose to bring harm to others. The one and only thing that saves us is God, cleansing us and redeeming us, making us each a new person in Christ through Christ. What we really should be doing, dear brothers and sisters, is getting on our knees and praying. Praying that God will use these tragedies to bring lost men, women, and children to Him. We need to be going out in our homes, our towns, our nation, and the world and telling people about God! Our amazing, loving, patient God. I want to reach through the computer and tell these attackers about Jesus and what He did for them because He loves them and wants to redeem them. I want to do the same for each of the victims. Tell them that God has saved their life not just physically but spiritually and He has such big plans for each of them. My heart hurts to think that many people whether involved in huge tragedies or just involved with every life will never know God. I mean really KNOW Him. That my dear friends is the real tragedy. 

"7 And He said to them, "It is not for you to know the times or the seasons which the Father has put in His own authority. 8 But you shall receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you; and you shall be witnesses to Me in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth." Acts 1: 7-8

""And He said to them, "Go into all the world and preach the gospel to every creature." Mark 16:15

Dear Mothers..

How quickly the time goes by as your children continue to grow. From the first moment you find out you are pregnant with your first little one, time seems to fly. There are moments after the baby is born where you wished things would slow down and come to a stop. You wish there was a pause button in life. Wouldn't that be wonderful? Or even a rewind button? As each stage comes and goes, you sit down at some point and wonder where the time has gone. Thousands of diapers changed, hundreds of Cheerios eaten, and a whole lot of sleep deprivation. There are some stages in their life as they grow that you just can't wait for them to outgrow or move past. Tantrums, potty training, and sleepless nights. You sit down again and wonder where the time has gone as your child is now 3! Books  read for the millionth time, songs sung over and over, naps that go too fast. Teaching colors and numbers and letter and animal sounds as it sometimes feels never ending. Now it's time for school with crayons, art smocks, kleenex boxes, and backpacks. You watch them grow with excitement as they enter into this whole new world of learning and playing and hugs for their teacher. You are sad and excited as you know they are now 5. This is when life "slows down and you can get more rest" because you are no longer needed by them 24/7. Funny how we think we will get more sleep but for some of us with more than one child, there is no sleep. Even with one child, there is still no sleep with getting up early for school. Before you know it they are walking down the aisle and graduating from Kindergarten. As you sit and hold your not so little one tight, you think to yourself, "Will life ever slow down and stop flying by so quickly?" Before you can blink they are graduating from high school and are off to college. I'm not to the college stage, but I am past the toddler stage. Oh how I sit down and wish sometimes that I could go back and cherish more of those moments when I didn't feel like singing the ABCs that one more time. Or that time I didn't feel like snuggling because I had had children all over me from sun up to sun down. Oh how I wish I would have taken more time to play and not watched whatever the latest episode was on TV. The last 7 years have flown by right before my eyes, as if in a instant, all of our children went from baby to school age in a blink. Discouraged moms, hold tight and cherish those times with your little ones. They grow up so fast and without warning! lol Taken that extra time to sing a song, play a game, read a book, snuggle, go for a walk, whatever your little one loves to do to spend time with you. It won't last long. 

Deployments..

Whoever said that deployments get easier the more you go through them was clearly lying. They weren't only lying to me, they were lying to their self, and in turn lying to every other military spouse. (just sayin) I'd strongly disagree with that person who told me that 'wise' quote before our second deployment. I think that as you go through them more, you know is to come when your spouse is gone. Each one is different than the last filled with new adventures and surprises. A few things that stay the same are feeling lonely, carrying all the responsibility, and the tears. The last time my Hunny was deployed I thought I was ready. I thought I could do it on my own. I thought it would be easier than the last time now that the kids are older and we were more established in our marriage. I thought wrong. Four months into the last deployment, my children were so out of control from the lack of discipline and me excusing their behavior on daddy being gone I didn't want to take them to the store with me or go out in public. My emotions ran wild and nothing I seemed to do worked out. But I totally could do it on my own. I am so thankful that God showed me that only with Him can I "do all things through Christ who strengthens me". Life changed for us at home. I was no longer excusing horrible behavior or tolerating it. Though I sat and read the Word, that's only what I was doing. Reading the Word, but putting God back on the shelf so that I can do it. "I've got this Papa. Take a break". How gracious and patient is my Papa. Through that whole year, God not only showed me that I can only do things through His strength, He showed me that I don't want to do it without Him or without my husband.I am so thankful and grateful that all God has made my Hunny to be. I am so thankful for the way that he takes care of us as a family. I am thankful for the wisdom God gives him to lead and guide this family. I think that's why this deployment is so tough on me. Before he left, it was I who was lying to me. Yes someone did tell me that 'it gets easier the more they deploy' and foolishly I believed it. Walking around telling myself along with others that by this point it's a piece of cake. But as the time came and is now a few weeks in, I've realized that I've put God on that shelf again. My Hunny leaves and it's back to relying on myself. How patient is my Papa. Again He reminds me that He is my great provider, protector, healer, friend, Father.  

My One Comment On the Elections..

"The LORD had said to Moses, "Pharaoh will refuse to listen to you _ so that my wonders may be multiplied in Egypt." Moses and Aaron performed all these wonders before Pharaoh, but the LORD hardened Pharaoh's heart, and he would not let the Israelites go out of his country." Exodus 11:9-10 Munchkin and I were reading this last night during our devotions and as I read I had to reread it in my head. Over the last few weeks in Ladies Bible Study we have been going through Ezra. We have seen many times who ultimately holds the hearts of the leaders in the Bible and the leaders of today. We should be praying for our President and whoever will take office because ultimately their hearts are in God's hands. We don't know who will take office or what will become of our nation in the next 4 years, but we do know that our King, our Father is holding their hearts and our country in His hands and just as He did with Pharaoh "so that my wonders may be multiplied in Egypt" our Father has a much bigger plan for His children. One way or another, fast or slow, with Obama or Romney, our nation will fall. The more it falls, the closer it is to our Father coming and Oh! I can't wait! Pray. Pray without ceasing! 

Rewind Please

Have you ever had one of those mornings where you wake up thinking it's going to be a great day? Yeah, I woke up feeling that way today. I was a bit tired, but I got in the shower and got myself ready. Today is picture day for the kids, so the kids picked out their clothes last night and I had them ironed and waiting for them on the end of their beds this morning. I woke up one kid and got that one dressed without a problem. Sailed through it and headed to the next room. BAM! There it is.. the start of a very bad morning. Sassiness, me getting yelled at for turning on the lights, said child doesn't want to wear the clothes they picked out last night. Now I had a choice here. I had the choice to lovingly discipline my child or yell like a crazy person. You can guess which one I chose. The day before was a mess and I let the problems from the day before affect my reaction today. So, the morning is going on, no one is listening, I am getting more angry and frustrated because apparently being on time is against our religion and there they were, looking at spiders, procrastinating to get shoes and sweaters on, whining, crying, taking their time getting their hair ponies so I can do their hair, not looking for sweaters, the list just goes on. You know as moms, as the little things build up when you are in a time crunch, you get madder and madder and madder until all you want to do is explode and yell. So in the car we went almost 30 minutes later than when we usually leave. Now we can't get sea belts on or push our seats in. The kids are crying because mommy is crazy this morning and has lost her mind. While we are driving, I am going on and on about the morning and getting louder and louder as I can see spit flying from my mouth as I talk. Even as I write this I am ashamed of how I behaved. I sat there in the car fighting God. Fighting the urge to apologize to my kids. No, not excusing their procrastinating or excusing their tantrums also this morning, but apologizing for me. As I drove away after dropping the kids off, my thoughts then travelled to the events of yesterday. Spewing nasty comments and hurtful things I would say in my head all the while holding back the tears. I make it home, start packing a lunch for my Hunny and after finding out about my morning, he reaches over and hugs me. I couldn't quite stop the tears really. They just flowed down my cheeks. After he left for work, I grabbed my Bible and prayed and wept. No sobbed at my Papa's feet for forgiveness. I cancelled my plans for the morning and sat at His feet crying and reading His Word. Filling up on Him. This morning was a bad morning. I see the effects of me holding in words that need to be said and taken care of that day. My poor kids. They never saw it coming and either did I. I let my anger from yesterday become my weakness today. I am so thankful that God's mercies are new every morning. Even though I failed miserably this morning, I know that I can come to His feet and be renewed. I know that there are many moms out there who can understand my morning completely. When I would talk to moms a few years ago, I would always get the "Oh it's ok to yell sometimes. Then they know you mean business. Don't beat yourself up over it." I'm sorry, but I just don't agree with that. That kind of yelling is a reaction to anger and I can't just excuse it away. I really do wish that there was a rewind button out there. I would do my entire morning different. What if something had happened to me on my way home from school? Would I want my kids to remember their last morning with me as one like today? No thanks. I am thankful that I was able to come and sit at my Papa's feet this morning. I know that's exactly where I need to be. Sigh. Rewind please! 

You're Right.. I Do Choose This..

"Well, you did choose this and you did know what you were getting yourself into". It's a saying I have heard so many times from people who have never experienced the military life. That saying used to bug me so much and make me so upset! Well, it still does to a certain extent but a flash of pride shoots through me. "Yes, you are right. I do choose to support and follow the man that I love and that God has chosen for me. I do choose to continue to watch him leave and come back again. You are absolutely right. I do choose to stay and fight hard for my marriage. I do choose to take on being dad and mom at the same time. Taking on Mrs. Fix-it and being Nurse Mom at the same time. Adjust, adjust, adjust. No time to relax with the thoughts of the next deployment or the next training period in the back of my head at all times. Never able to fully relax and enjoy being home with my Hunny while I can relax and enjoy him, but you're right. I chose this. I am extremely proud of my soldier, and what an amazing soldier he is. I love being apart of the military where patriotism is a way of life that you take pride in, not even thought of as a choice. I know that life has it's ups and downs as well as marriage. God said tells us that in His Word. The military just adds that extra stress. I can't tell you how many nights I have gone to bed after midnight, how many birthdays or anniversaries or concerts or first sleep overs, first loose tooth, kid nightmares, or how many times I've sat and held my children while they cried themselves to sleep because they missed daddy. Or how many times I have heard them push their Build-A-Bears just to hear daddy's voice, over and over and over again. So if you ever run into a military spouse, offer a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. Offer to watch her kids for a few hours so that she have some time to herself so she can be renewed and refreshed for her kids. Offer help and if she declines, do it anyway! She really wants the help but is too proud to say she needs it. Love her and her family unconditionally. The end. Rant over. 

A Donkey, A Stinky Stable, and A Savior

Over the last few weeks, God has been bringing to my attention (or banging me upside the head quite a few times) the real meaning of Christmas. Yes I know Christ's birth, but I guess I've never stopped to really fully focus on His birth. The last few weeks God has been showing me amazing things about Elizabeth, Mary, Joseph, and even the birth itself. Reflecting on my own pregnancies and others around me who have just given birth, I remembered just how uncomfortable I was. With each pregnancy it's as though I was bigger than the last. I remember that the bigger I got, the more uncomfortable I became. Can you imagine Mary, this young girl around 15, on this donkey traveling to Bethlehem? For not just a few hours, because as you can imagine how fast a donkey can walk, but for a few days, weeks. Ouch is all I have to say! lol Imagine though, as Mary and Joseph, tired from their journey, finally found a place to stay, this wet, dirty, smelly stable. Imagine Mary holding Jesus for the first time, looking into the eyes of her Savior. Our Savior. Oh what it must have been like to hold Him, snuggle Him, and love Him. All the events surrounding Christ's birth from Elizabeth getting pregnant at an old age, John the baptist jumping in her womb at the presence of Jesus in Mary's womb, to the donkey ride, humble stable birth to God telling Joseph to flee, stay in Egypt, and then flee again to Nazareth. What an amazing God we serve. I can't even imagine the love that He has for me. To look back on my own life and see where God orchestrated my own life. I've been reading a book and it just touches on how great His love for us is. This is Nancy Leigh DeMoss quoting Hannah Whitnall Smith, "Put together all the tenderest love you know of, the deepest you have ever felt, and the strongest that has ever been poured out upon you, and heap upon it all the love of all the loving human hearts in the world and then multiply it by infinity, and you will begin, perhaps, to have some faint glimpse of what the love of God is."Wow! All that and it's just a faint glimpse. I can't imagine how much God loves me, but I know that He does because He sent His Son to cover my sins, past, present, future, so that I will be able to be with Him in heaven. I am constantly blown away by what God is showing me. What an amazing God I serve. An amazing Papa. So as the rest of December comes to a close, I'll continue to reflect and ponder on what Christmas is all about. It's not the presents or the pressure to buy a present. It's not the prefect dinner or the "peaceful" day. It's about celebrating Christ coming down to earth in human flesh to die for me so that I don't spend an eternity without Him. Oh Papa. How overly joyful I am to know that I will not spend my eternity separated from You because of You.  

Hi. My name is Martha, and I'm a servaholic..

We all remember the story of Mary and Martha.. dear Martha is cleaning and cooking and doing everything to make Jesus' visit perfect. She wants him to have a good meal and enjoy sitting in their home without dust and bugs and garbage and anything else that may be dirty around the house. (not directly talking about my own house) All the while Mary is sitting on the ground listening to Jesus talk. Can you imagine what Martha was thinking though? "Oh there's that Mary again.. doing nothing as I do all the cooking and cleaning, again. She doesn't care how the house looks. She doesn't care if there is food on the table! If I don't do it, who will!?" Or she could have been thinking, "Oh I love the way you hold me, by my side you'll always be.." lol Praising and worshipping the Lord in her head. I'm not sure, and I don't want to add to God's word, but as women we can all imagine what was going through her head. Whether she was complaining or praising, she was still serving her Papa, her Lord. 
Since I can remember, I have loved to serve. I love to help others and I normally do it joyfully! My heart screams Serve! It's just who God made me to be. When Hunny left for this last deployment, a switch went off inside of me. Call it survival mode, but I felt I needed to stay busy and serve, everywhere and everyone. Doing it all on my own, I might add, without seeking God. My intentions were good... A few months ago, the Lord started showing me that although serving others is a blessing, I need to be serving my family with the same joy as I do with others, and if I am not filled up and running on fumes, I can't give to my family what they need from me. The business of life and the need to serve, to feel needed overcame me this last year. So, over the last few months, I have pulled out of everything except church and Ladies Bible Study. God's been showing me that I have to be filled up with Him in order to give out to my family and that I need to be in His will while doing it. I have to also be filled up daily in Him by reading His Love Letter in order to be able to put on Christ and serve my family. It's not a slave type serving, but serving them out of love and obedience to God. There are days when I just don't want to clean the house, make dinner or get out of bed, but I do because I am serving my Papa. :) There are days when I just don't want to be understanding, loving, patient, kind, selfless, or anything remotely imitating Christ, but I am to put on Christ every day. It's challenging for me not to be out there serving in everything, but I have seen what it's like when I am running on fumes with my family. Yikes! But God is so good and I am also able to see the effects of me serving my family when I am full in Him. Outpouring to my family! I'd be lying if I said I was pleasant all the time and had healthy meals on the table and my house was always clean. That kind of thing is for Mrs. Cleaver. lol. I want to serve my Papa by taking care of the family and the house the Lord has provided to the best of the ability God has given me. I see that unattainable Proverbs 31 woman. I get intimidated by her at times. But God didn't make us all the same. He didn't make me to be this perfect woman who always does everything right. He didn't make me a robot. I am who He made me to be. He blew out the sand to find the jewel, a jewel I am still finding. I know that my Papa is shaping me and molding me into the woman, wife, and mother he wants me to be. So in saying all of that, this Martha is still serving, but taking a Mary approach. Because when you think about it, you can't fully serve until you are sitting at your Papa's feet. 

Father Filtered and Sitting at Jesus' Feet

Recently we started going to a new church. I am so excited about the church we go to. They read straight through the Bible, book by book, chapter by chapter, verse by verse. So whether you are a young believer or an old believer, it doesn't matter. There's no topical messages, just God's Word. I have a few favorite sayings from the pastor.. "Everything is Father-Filtered" and "Come and sit at the feet of Jesus". 

 "Father Filtered". Just think about that a moment. Everything that happens to us has already gone through the Father. So the trials we are going through or the joys we are going through have all gone through the Father before they even touch us. What an amazing Father we have. A Father who will turn the tragedies into the triumphs. He's able to use both bad and good to bring glory to His name. For so long I looked at trials as burdens. I just couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel. I had a "Why Me?" attitude. Then I learned about Father Filtered. I don't see the trials as burdensome. I look at the trials in my life and say, "What can I learn from this? How is God going to use me or grow me so that at the end He can use me to be a blessing to others?" Rejoice in the trials as well as the joys because we know that it's already gone through the Father. Which is why it makes sense then to Come and Sit at the Feet of Jesus. We can come to our Papa and sit at His feet in trials and joys alike because He already knows what's going to happen. He already knows what we are going to learn and how he is going to use it to bring us closer to Him. He knows how he is going to use our trials to reach others for Christ. So why not come to the Father, our Papa. When I think of sitting at Jesus' feet, I picture myself literally at His feet like Mary while she listened to His words. When I sit at His feet, I am relaxed, refreshed, and a huge sigh of relief or comfort washes over me. I can't quite find the words to describe it. It's like falling into the arms of my Papa as he whispers gently, "Papa has you. Everything will be ok". When I come to my Father, everything may be spinning around me, but with Him, it's as though nothing else matters except sitting at His feet, bathing in Him. I can imagine how Mary must have sat with an eagerness, a hunger while she listened and hung onto every word that Jesus said. It seems as though she just can't get enough of what Jesus is saying. That is what it's like for me when I come to my Papa, whether through my own time in the word or through listening to my pastor on Sundays, I just can't get enough! There's a peace and a joy that comes that even though the trials that I am going through or the joys I am going through are hard to understand, I know I can come and sit at my Papa's feet. I know that I can find that peace and joy through whatever comes because it's already been Father Filtered. Thank you Papa for providing a way for us to come and sit at your feet whenever we want to without having to go through another person to get to you. Thank you that I am able to be in your presence any time. Thank you for for the trials and joys that I go through because I know that by the end, I will be stretched and will be deepened in my relationship with you!!

Did you know that I am a Princess?

"All glorious is the princess in her chamber, with robes interwoven with gold. In many-colored robes, she is led to the king.. with joy and gladness they are led along as they enter the palace of the king." Psalms 45:13-15. 


I have to admit, I stole this verse from a friend's facebook page. I loved this vision though. I am God's princess. I am in beautiful clothing, being led to meet my Papa. I know as women, we don't always see ourselves as princesses. We get up, look in the mirror, look at our imperfect bodies from bearing babies, let out a sigh, and continue on our day wishing we could just lose that extra weight. Or we look in the mirror and see puffy, red eyes that have just got done sobbing because we have let our anger get to us one more time. For some reason, we have this view of who we are supposed to be like or what we are supposed to look like. We have the world's view of this woman who has it all together, can do anything, and still has time to have a fashion sense.
Psalms 139: 13-18 says, "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of the sand. When I awake, I am still with you." 
How precious we are to our Papa. Our Savior. Our Redeemer. Our Master. Our Servant. Our Creator. How precious are we that He knit us together. He didn't just say, Poof! He took the time to gently create us, knowing every single day that we are going to live. He knows our strengths, our weaknesses, our faults, our strengths. He knows that we are going to fail. He knows we are going to succeed. He knows everything about us because He made us. He Made Us! We are so important to God. He loves us beyond what words could ever describe, so his actions said it to us. 
So the next time you look in the mirror, stand there with your head held high. Remind yourself that you are God's Princess. Remind yourself that you are clothed in Christ and that it's not the outside image that matters. It's not your capabilities that matter. What matters is that you are fully, completely God's princess, perfect in His eyes. Perfect just the way God made you.   

Mercy

As it was pointed out to me tonight, I have a blog! Oh yeah. lol. Today, while I was at Bible Study, my pastor's wife brought a passage to my attention... just a short blerb in our study on the women of the Bible. Leviticus 3:22-23 "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." This is something we have taught our children and I am so thankful that God brought that verse to my attention. I was able to then take that verse and relate it back to God with my children. I was able to teach them and show them in God's Love Letter that he is the one that gives grace and mercy to us everyday. What an amazing God we serve!


Well, in an amazing twist, I was reminded that I have a blog that I write in and I thought, well I should probably write in it. lol. So i sat down and tried to think of something funny and witty. I tried write about our recent church change. I tried to sum up my summer. Nothing seemed to fit. Then God brought this verse back to my attention. I am so thankful that he did because my day was fantastic until I went to my FRG (Family Readiness Group) meeting. I had children running all over. Children not picking out their food fast enough. Getting drinks. Finding a lost daughter of ours. All the while trying to listen to what the Rear D Commander had to say about when my Hunny would be home and how it all would go down when the soldiers come in. Mind you, trying to listen is the key seeing as I was not only dealing my own children, I was dealing with the loud roar of the adults having their own conversations over the Commander. How frustrating! Then after the meeting I had children not listening. Children throwing fits. And whatever else in between. So, after a long night of loud noises and children getting lost and not listening, I gave into my old comforts and yelled at my children. I was overwhelmed and didn't want to work at being a mom. What I really wanted to do was run away and cry myself to sleep. But God is awesome. And in the quiet of my heart, after the kids were sleeping in bed, He brought that verse into my head. When the enemy knows I am frustrated, weak, and just plain done with this deployment, God swoops in and reminds us that his mercies are new every morning. After apologies to the kids, I am encouraged that tomorrow is a new day. All excuses aside, it comes down to the simple fact of laziness for me. This whole doing what is right and good and what God wants us to is hard work. Giving in to my old nature is so much easier. That's the bottom line. For me any way. I am again, so thankful that God is a merciful God. Thank you Lord for the beautiful and encouraging reminder that tomorrow is a new day, full of your mercies and continues grace beyond what I ever deserve on my own. 

Passion

Passion defined is:
 Ardent love or affection; a strong affection or enthusiasm for an object, concept; any strongly felt emotion, such as love, hate, envy; the object of an intense desire, ardent affection, or enthusiasm; an outburst expressing intense emotion; any state of the mind in which it is affected by something external, such as perception, desire; feelings, desires or emotions, as contrasted with reason; the sufferings and death of a Christian martyr

Synonyms: passion, fervor, fire, zeal, ardor

These nouns denote powerful, intense emotion.
Passion is a deep, overwhelming emotion
Fervor is great warmth and intensity of feeling
Fire is burning passion: "In our youth our hearts were touched with fire" (Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.)
Zeal is strong, enthusiastic devotion to a cause, ideal, or goal and tireless diligence in its furtherance
Ardor is fiery intensity of feeling
 Passion. We as a church, as Christians, are lacking passion. Our desire to seek after God seems to have faded in the background, into our comfortable seats at church. We stand and recite songs, er, worship, and lift our voices to the ceiling, I mean God. Then the dreaded "Meet and Great". Oh man! If I could just stay in my seat and not move, maybe no one will notice. Or I could pretend to look for something in my purse so I don't have to say hello to anyone. Ah! Finally that is over! We slouch into our seats hoping no one will make eye contact because the nursery needs workers. We get settled, grab our Bibles and wait for the passage we are reading from. We open our Bibles as we always do and try our hardest to listen to what is being taught. Unfortunately, we are preoccupied with the noises around us and with seeing who is at church that morning. "Well, I wonder where so and so is and why would that person be wearing that?" "Oh what did the pastor say? I must have missed that." As the end of the sermon gets closer, we watch carefully as the pastor finally closes his Bible and prays. We stretch our legs as we, yawning, sing our praises and hearts to the Lord. All the while looking forward to eating our dinner. WHERE IS OUR PASSION!?! WHERE IS OUR DESIRE? When did the yearning to deepen our relationship with Christ fade into the mundane act of religion? I have been that person in the seats at church. I was raised on religion and the boundaries we put on ourselves because we are too afraid to step out of our comfortable seats. I have felt this passion for a few years now. This passion and yearning and desire to seek after my Papa. To seek a relationship with Him that will take me to greater depths in stepping out on faith. At times I want to get up and shout out to everyone "WHERE IS YOUR PASSION CHURCH?!? WAKE UP!" This amazing God that we serve has rescued you! He has saved you! Stand up and shout it out to all that will hear. Show it to your kids. Show it to your neighbors. Show it to someone, anyone. This passion for Christ burns inside of me and has only recently found it's way out.

I look at my children, ages 3, 5, and 6, and see this faith and love and passion to shout it out that they LOVE God. They get so excited to share the news with others and are so excited to learn more about him. They have an eagerness within them that they can hardly wait to learn more. We read Bible stories and night and they love to hear about God. They love to pray for their hurts physical and emotional. They pray for others who are hurting. One of the prayers said in our home from our Munchkin is, "God, Bless those who love you and bless those who don't love you." God has been humbling me through my husband and our children. He has been using our children to show me that eagerness and passion and desire to learn all that I can about God. He's teaching me to step out in faith. 

Oh church, oh brothers and sisters. Where is our passion? Where is our faith like a child? Where is our compassion for others? Our desire for God? I am so thankful for God's patience and long-suffering. I am so thankful for his gentleness and grace. I am so thankful that he doesn't get bored with me. I am so thankful that He loves me so much that he is pursuing me constantly! I am so thankful that I am not God because I would have given up on me a long time ago. Thank you Papa for always pursuing me and drawing me close to you! Thank you for giving me a passion and a desire and a love for you!

Munchkin's Birthday Cake!!

With help from my sister Puts.. we have finished the cake! I think it looks fantastic! I can't wait to show the birthday girl in the morning!!

Partiality

"But if you show partiality, you are committing sin and are convicted by the law as transgressors" James 2:9. Wait, what did that say? When you show partiality, you are sinning? Yes. Read James 2:1-13. Go ahead.. I'll wait. I'm still waiting.. Wow!! Wasn't that just a bit convicting!? It was for me. Not only is saying that partiality is a sin, he is talking to his fellow believers! How often do we see a struggling believer that isn't doing what we think they should be doing, and we judge them and throw them to the side for someone else to take care of? I love the last verse in this passage on partiality. "For judgment is without mercy to the one who has shown no mercy. Mercy triumps over judgment." So if we show no mercy to our fellow believers, then we will recieve no mercy. How incredible is that? God is the judge, we are not. I think of how many times I have written someone off, believers and non-believers alike. How I see that they don't "fit the mold" of who I think a Christian is. And I've even thought that you had to be doing things to be able to be used by God. Reading your Bible, serving, praying, etc. I've even gone as far as judge my husband. Horrible. I know. No one is above sin. God has used my husband in the last year to humble me. Four years ago, my Hunny was deployed. Now four years ago, I wasn't looking at my husband through God's eyes. I was seeing what I wanted to see. So, I of course saw that God wasn't going to use him and that he wasn't "doing what he was supposed to be doing" to be used. While he was deployed, he became friends with a guy in his unit. He was going through a really tough time with his wife and Hunny was able to encourage him, and God was able to use Hunny to plant a seed. Fast forward to last Augst. We returned back to Fort Drum and picked up our friendship where we left off. Through going to church with his wife and God continually seeking him, He accepted the Lord as his Savior! His wife accepted Christ a year before as well. In talking with him, he goes back to the deployment and how God used Hunny to help him and show him Christ. I stood there with goose bumps and tears as I was reminded of how judgmental I was of my husband. How on earth could God use him if he wasn't "doing" what you are "supposed" to be doing. God used that to humble me a lot. God used Hunny because he was willing to be used. There's no magical, Ok, I've read my Bible, I've prayed, I've 'worked' for God and now I can be used. No, there's none of that with God. Again, He does want a personal relationship with you, which is a different topic. I was just taken back. I looked at my husband in a new way. I softened my heart towards him as the leader of our family. 
 In saying all of that, I want to point out that there are those who are super judgmental and there are those who are super lovey and touchy feely with how they approach believers who are in sin. It's hard to let go and let God be the Judge. There is a day when we will be judged. What we as believers are to do among believers is to come along side of them, encourage them, and carry each others burdens. We are not to be showing favoritism amongst each other whether it be because of sin, a fight we have, people arne't dressed the part, etc. We are to extend the same mercy to them as Christ has extended to us. As I've heard in my Bible study, "If I were to compare myself to people here on earth, I'm looking pretty good! But we aren't supposed to compare ourselves to other people. Compare yourself to Jesus and that's another story. I'm very sinful next to him." When we take our eyes off of Christ and onto each other, we are setting ourselves up for failure. Satan wants nothing more than to cause disunity among believers. And fellow belivers, Satan is doing a number on our churches and on our families. 
 I have a loved one who has been away from the Lord for 22 years. This loved one has failed time and time again. But oh believers, how I have seen God drawing this person close to Him since the walked away. Tears running down my face as I think of the long road they've been down. The choices they have made and the suffering they went through due to those choices. I remember the church turning their backs on our family and most of our family giving up on this person as well. The hurt that has gone back and forth and gaping holes that will one day be restored. This story isn't over though. After 22 long years or praying, watching, praying, loving, praying, encouraging.. our God is faithful even we are not faithful. This loved one is back with our Papa. They are seeking him with many questions and they are in love with Him. God is constantly showing me that he doesn't work on our timing. He works in His timing. He shapes and molds and is constantly teaching us, even when we are stubborn. Can't we all agree that we are stubborn often times. No matter what the sin is, whether great or large in our eyes, it is all the same in God's eyes. I am rejoicing with this person as they are continually seeing God in their life. Continually being drawn closer to Him. We all stumble, we all fall, we all struggle, we all sin. God has shown me that he never gives up on His children, na matter how far they want to hide or run away from Him. He will go to great lengths to bring his children back to him. What JOY! Praises! Praises to our Papa who shows us no partiality. Who shows us great mercy. Who loves us enough to let us make our own mistakes only to use those mistakes to bring Glory and honor to His name!! Tears of joy for the loved one who has come back to our Papa! 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJ65aNv28Jc  

I know that I've shared this song before. But I just wanted to use it again. I am constantly failing God in all that I do. But because of God's Grace, patience, love, and sacrifice, He will always be there to pick me up, dust me off, and put me back on the right path. I fail in the area of partiality. I've not seen it until now and am working on changing it, but only with God. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-FribXzqHVE       

In Christ Alone

How Deep the Father's Love for Us

I know! A lot of links! I hope you are able to take the time to listen to them. I think they are amazing!

I GOT IT!

A few weeks ago, I was watching something online.. yes, I know, cheating on the 40 days. But that leads to how I got it. So a few weeks ago, I was watching something online about adoption. God has always placed a special spot in my heart for adoption, unfortunately, it just hasn't worked out to do it. I sat and just wept. I mean that deep down, bottom of your stomach weeping. I was weeping for a child that I know God has out there for us. I sat on my bed trying to compose myself enough to read God's Word. I sat there trying to pray and I just couldn't focus. So I put the radio on, hoping to get more focused on God. When the radio turned on, JJ Heller's song, "What Love Really Means" was on right at the part where God is supposed to be speaking,
"Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside

And it said “I know you’ve murdered
And I know you’ve lied
And I've watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you’re listening I’ll, I'll tell you that I...”

I will love you for you
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love, the love that you never knew."

Immediately after hearing that, they had their verse for the day which was 2 Chronicles 7:14 which says, "if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land." God was showing me that my pride and selfishness over the last well, 27 years of my life is my downfall. He was telling me that only by humbling myself before him will I succeed in Him. The last year since leaving Korea has been a huge challenge for me. I felt that God wasn't talking to me anymore. I felt angry and really discontent and I honestly felt as though God had a reason all of that was happening. That He had great plans for my discontentment. Well, He did have plans, but not what I thought, as usual. When I started this 40 day adventure, I didn't really expect to be taken in this way. Before I started this, a friend of mine mentioned that even though God wasn't speaking to me in the way He always has, He was still speaking to me in this totally different way. So I sat and thought about that as I was crying on my bed. Was I that stubborn that God had to use drastic measures and go as far as speaking to me differently than He usually does because I wasn't listening? How could I show God that I was following Him and that He was number one in my life when I couldn't even complete a full 40 days without going online and watching shows? Even farther, How on earth could He entrust us with another child, at some point in our lives, if I didn't humble myself and really have Him as number 1? (side note, it's a desire of mine since high school and there's no plans as of right now to adopt) Not as though God is like that, but that's how I think. I love God with all of my heart and desire after a relationship with Him. And I know that if you are willing, He will use you. You don't have to be in this awe-inspiring-reading-your-Bible-everyday relationship with Him to be used by Him. All He asks is for you to be willing. Of course He wants to me to read His word and know Him and have a relationship with Him. I'm not trying to minimize that at all. God is so awesome! The last however many days has been an eye opener. I am prideful and selfish and really have me as number one. The challenge now is to change it. I can't change it without God. I am constantly putting on His patience, His strength, His love, His understanding, His eyes. I know that my Papa loves me and will go to great lengths to reach me, to help me see, help me hear, and help me stay close to Him. I am so thankful that He showed me that I needed to take a break from all the distractions in my life so that I could finally hear him speaking to me again. I am so in love with my awesome and amazing God who comtinues to shape me and mold me!  

More Cakes..





 

 Wow! I am tired! 3 Birthday cakes and over 100 cupcakes! I have to say that I had fun making these. The characters.. well.. I had a tough time making them the next day after the fondant sat overnight. It just didn't work the same as when I do it on the same day. Anyway. The kids that these were for really liked them, so that is good. The one was like, "What Pokeman is that?" lol. I was like, "I'm sorry, I tried." It was kind of funny. I think I need a nap! I was up Thursday night until 1 and last night.. well, this morning.. I was up until 3:30 finishing everything. Now I get to focus on Munchkin's birthday party next weekend!

Halfway There!

Probably not what you were thinking.. but we are halfway done with Hunny being deployed! Yay! Last night the kids and I and a friend and her kids went to our Battalion's Halfway Party! Wow! That was crowded and definitely a Friday night thing. It was fun though. We came and they had a slide show going, which I got to see a picture of Hunny! That never happens. Then they had Daddy Dolls for the kids and buttons you could make. Then they had popcorn and subs and cake and nachos. Then they had where you could draw a picture or do your hand print and they would laminate it with tape so the kids can send it to their deployed parent. There was an Easdter bunny and bags with candy they passed out. There was even face paingint, but we didn't get that done. It was a really neat idea this party. We had a great time! We are definitely looking forward to R&R and coming home! We love you Hunny!!!

Enjoying the Beautiful Weather...

After we spent all day going through the toys in the toy room, Gabe's room, and the girls' room. :) 

We had a great day today!