Unworthy

Unworthy by definition is this.. 1. not deserving effort, attention, or respect 2. (of a person's action or behavior) not acceptable, especially from someone with a good reputation or social position. This is how I've been feeling lately. Totally and completely unworthy of God to be the mother to my children. Earlier this week while mowing the lawn, (where I usually do a lot of reflecting, talking to God, and worshipping, at the top of my lungs which I am sure the neighbors appreciate my beautiful voice and I'm witnessing at the same time, so there ya go)I was sitting and thinking of homeschooling next year. I know there will be ups and downs which brought me to think of how unworthy I am to be the mom to our three children. What an incredible privilege God grants us to mother. Whether it's mothering your own children or someone else's children, it is a privilege and responsibility. I see my shortcomings as a mother or person in general. I see my lack of compassion, grace, and patience through my children. What an eye opener looking through the mirror having your kids staring back at you. Even through the thoughts of being unworthy and all the enemy tried to accomplish in discouraging me, I continue to cling to one thought, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Phil 4:13. I can't be the mother God wants me to be without God. I can't have compassion, grace, and patience with my children when I am not first going to my Father seeking Him daily to pour out His compassion, His grace, His long-suffering on to me. God doesn't make a mistake. He has blessed us with these three amazing children that we have the privilege of bringing them to a saving knowledge of Christ. Through God's guidance, we are able to help shape and mold them into these amazing children, teens, adults who want to seek after Him and do His will. It's so easy to sit back and look so far into the future and be completely overwhelmed by the thought of all of this and shut down. That's where I've been the last few days. Feeling shut down and unworthy. But God in His grace and mercy and love for me, doesn't allow me to remain there. God reminds me "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Phil. 4:6-7 Walking with God and having a relationship with Him is a daily thing. It's not a quick prayer when you're in a crisis or going to church on holidays or even falling into the ritual of religion (guilty there). It is an everyday, all day, in the Word, daily making the choice to have a relationship with God. This is where it is so important for me to remember that yes, I fail. Yes, without God I can't be the mother He intended me to be. Yes, there are times I feel unworthy of the blessing, but just like my relationship with God is an everyday at His feet thing, so is being a mom. Coming daily at His feet, lifting my children and myself up in prayer for the day and the challenges and successes that are to come for that day. He will equip me with what I need for that day. Notice, day. Daily, hourly, secondly. 
 I think that one of the most important things God has helped me cling to is that He knows me. He knows our children. He knows this because "O Lord, You have searched me and know me." Psalm 139:1 The whole passage of Psalm 139 is such a beautiful reminder that God made us on purpose and He gave us our children, on purpose. He knew exactly what our children needed in a mom when He created me. Wow. I have sat and pondered that thought and continue to ponder it. Psalm 139:17-18 talk about how His thoughts of me are more than the sand. How precious. 
 It's been a challenging week battling my own self-doubt of being a mother. As I sit here this morning though and see God's reminders, I am encouraged by His Word. Being a mom is a huge responsibility, but 'God doesn't give us more than we can handle' and He didn't give us our children and say, Have at it! Good luck with THAT one!" He offers me His Word, His friendship, His Lordship, His feet to come and sit there so that He can intently guide me, shape me, and mold me as a mother. I am so thankful for His Word, the fellowship of other believers, other moms. Most of all, I am thankful that God doesn't leave me in the muck and grime of my own thoughts. I am thankful that He lifts me up out of the darkness of myself, dusts me off, and puts me back on the path with Him.