I GOT IT!

A few weeks ago, I was watching something online.. yes, I know, cheating on the 40 days. But that leads to how I got it. So a few weeks ago, I was watching something online about adoption. God has always placed a special spot in my heart for adoption, unfortunately, it just hasn't worked out to do it. I sat and just wept. I mean that deep down, bottom of your stomach weeping. I was weeping for a child that I know God has out there for us. I sat on my bed trying to compose myself enough to read God's Word. I sat there trying to pray and I just couldn't focus. So I put the radio on, hoping to get more focused on God. When the radio turned on, JJ Heller's song, "What Love Really Means" was on right at the part where God is supposed to be speaking,
"Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside

And it said “I know you’ve murdered
And I know you’ve lied
And I've watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you’re listening I’ll, I'll tell you that I...”

I will love you for you
Not for what you have done or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love, the love that you never knew."

Immediately after hearing that, they had their verse for the day which was 2 Chronicles 7:14 which says, "if my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and I will forgive their sin and will heal their land." God was showing me that my pride and selfishness over the last well, 27 years of my life is my downfall. He was telling me that only by humbling myself before him will I succeed in Him. The last year since leaving Korea has been a huge challenge for me. I felt that God wasn't talking to me anymore. I felt angry and really discontent and I honestly felt as though God had a reason all of that was happening. That He had great plans for my discontentment. Well, He did have plans, but not what I thought, as usual. When I started this 40 day adventure, I didn't really expect to be taken in this way. Before I started this, a friend of mine mentioned that even though God wasn't speaking to me in the way He always has, He was still speaking to me in this totally different way. So I sat and thought about that as I was crying on my bed. Was I that stubborn that God had to use drastic measures and go as far as speaking to me differently than He usually does because I wasn't listening? How could I show God that I was following Him and that He was number one in my life when I couldn't even complete a full 40 days without going online and watching shows? Even farther, How on earth could He entrust us with another child, at some point in our lives, if I didn't humble myself and really have Him as number 1? (side note, it's a desire of mine since high school and there's no plans as of right now to adopt) Not as though God is like that, but that's how I think. I love God with all of my heart and desire after a relationship with Him. And I know that if you are willing, He will use you. You don't have to be in this awe-inspiring-reading-your-Bible-everyday relationship with Him to be used by Him. All He asks is for you to be willing. Of course He wants to me to read His word and know Him and have a relationship with Him. I'm not trying to minimize that at all. God is so awesome! The last however many days has been an eye opener. I am prideful and selfish and really have me as number one. The challenge now is to change it. I can't change it without God. I am constantly putting on His patience, His strength, His love, His understanding, His eyes. I know that my Papa loves me and will go to great lengths to reach me, to help me see, help me hear, and help me stay close to Him. I am so thankful that He showed me that I needed to take a break from all the distractions in my life so that I could finally hear him speaking to me again. I am so in love with my awesome and amazing God who comtinues to shape me and mold me!