Huge Plans

So, in just 33 short more days, My hunny, the kiddos, and I will be embarking on another adventure.. moving back to the states. I sat here thinking back on this last year and a half and God has taught me so many things. The funny thing is that when we first found out we were coming here, I had such high ambition that I just KNEW God had a plan for me being here. I was going to reach out to the people here in Korea and be a witness to them. I was going to work in the church and get involved in everything that I could. Oh wait.. I seem to be missing something.. Oh yes, my family. Huh. I seemed to have forgotten about them somewhere along the way and being that example of Christ to them. So many times when I think of 'others', I am not thinking of my own kids. God definitely humbled me a lot over the last year and a half. It hasn't been until recently that I've started to focus on my kids. I'm just sorry it's taken me this long to realize it. Since getting here, I felt like I was being held back, stunted, not being able to grow. Why was I here if it weren't to be involved in the church and Bible study and MOPS and this and that! For some reason, I felt as though I wanted to do more, but couldn't. I wanted to be important or something. So I joined a Bible study and tried to make friends. Well, that backfired and later I stopped going. So we tried going to a few churches only to settle at the chapel on post, not our first choice, but it was something. Then I helped with VBS. Then I helped at our MOPS. Then I helped as a children's church teacher. Why didn't I feel like I wasn't doing anything of value? I tried going to Faith Lift, only to be discouraged even more. So what was this emptiness I was feeling? What was I missing? Oh right, right.. my family. There's that word again. It wasn't until I discovered I was angry, that I realized that I was (including my hunny) setting the example for our kids. They were watching me. All of a sudden, I started seeing the kids yelling horribly at each other. Yes, I yelled. Can't say I still don't raise my voice every now and again, but only through God's grace, which seemed like it was never going to come, have my anger and yelling subsided. Anyway, I tried searching books. I tried searching through advice of other people. I tried talking it through with friends. Nothing seemed to work. Finally, I came to my knees, tears flowing down uncontrolably. "Lord, I'm here. After so much pride and anger, I am here." Again, I'm not perfect here, but things are changing. My eyes are being opened more to Christ and what I am really doing here in Korea. (Is she done rambling and where is this going?) Instead of trying to focus on those other people who aren't my kids to show them just how awesome I am in Jesus.. note the sarcasm... God's been focusing my heart on my kids. They are so precious! They are such an amazing gift from God that I have taken for granted and advante of. My heart's desire is not only teach my kids about Jesus and who he is, but to be living by his Word daily so that through me, they will see his love for them. I can't tell you how much my attitude and view has changed since seeing my kids through God's eyes instead of seeing them as burdens at times. Horrible, I know. So through all of that.. God did have enormous plans for me here. He had huge plans to overhaul me. A few years ago, I had gotten on my knees and asked God to change me. Now, if you aren't ready, don't ask him to change you. :) Because he doesn't mess around with that kind of stuff. This rollercoaster over the last 2 years has been testimony of that. :) Everything has changed. The way I view my husband, the way I talk about my husband, the way I view God, the way I view church, the way I view my kids, the way I speak about others, everything. I in no way believe that God is done working on me. I have no idea what Has in store for me, but if there is one thing that I want to succeed at, it's that my kids know Jesus. That they know Him not through hollow words, but through sound action.