Unworthy

Unworthy by definition is this.. 1. not deserving effort, attention, or respect 2. (of a person's action or behavior) not acceptable, especially from someone with a good reputation or social position. This is how I've been feeling lately. Totally and completely unworthy of God to be the mother to my children. Earlier this week while mowing the lawn, (where I usually do a lot of reflecting, talking to God, and worshipping, at the top of my lungs which I am sure the neighbors appreciate my beautiful voice and I'm witnessing at the same time, so there ya go)I was sitting and thinking of homeschooling next year. I know there will be ups and downs which brought me to think of how unworthy I am to be the mom to our three children. What an incredible privilege God grants us to mother. Whether it's mothering your own children or someone else's children, it is a privilege and responsibility. I see my shortcomings as a mother or person in general. I see my lack of compassion, grace, and patience through my children. What an eye opener looking through the mirror having your kids staring back at you. Even through the thoughts of being unworthy and all the enemy tried to accomplish in discouraging me, I continue to cling to one thought, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Phil 4:13. I can't be the mother God wants me to be without God. I can't have compassion, grace, and patience with my children when I am not first going to my Father seeking Him daily to pour out His compassion, His grace, His long-suffering on to me. God doesn't make a mistake. He has blessed us with these three amazing children that we have the privilege of bringing them to a saving knowledge of Christ. Through God's guidance, we are able to help shape and mold them into these amazing children, teens, adults who want to seek after Him and do His will. It's so easy to sit back and look so far into the future and be completely overwhelmed by the thought of all of this and shut down. That's where I've been the last few days. Feeling shut down and unworthy. But God in His grace and mercy and love for me, doesn't allow me to remain there. God reminds me "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Phil. 4:6-7 Walking with God and having a relationship with Him is a daily thing. It's not a quick prayer when you're in a crisis or going to church on holidays or even falling into the ritual of religion (guilty there). It is an everyday, all day, in the Word, daily making the choice to have a relationship with God. This is where it is so important for me to remember that yes, I fail. Yes, without God I can't be the mother He intended me to be. Yes, there are times I feel unworthy of the blessing, but just like my relationship with God is an everyday at His feet thing, so is being a mom. Coming daily at His feet, lifting my children and myself up in prayer for the day and the challenges and successes that are to come for that day. He will equip me with what I need for that day. Notice, day. Daily, hourly, secondly. 
 I think that one of the most important things God has helped me cling to is that He knows me. He knows our children. He knows this because "O Lord, You have searched me and know me." Psalm 139:1 The whole passage of Psalm 139 is such a beautiful reminder that God made us on purpose and He gave us our children, on purpose. He knew exactly what our children needed in a mom when He created me. Wow. I have sat and pondered that thought and continue to ponder it. Psalm 139:17-18 talk about how His thoughts of me are more than the sand. How precious. 
 It's been a challenging week battling my own self-doubt of being a mother. As I sit here this morning though and see God's reminders, I am encouraged by His Word. Being a mom is a huge responsibility, but 'God doesn't give us more than we can handle' and He didn't give us our children and say, Have at it! Good luck with THAT one!" He offers me His Word, His friendship, His Lordship, His feet to come and sit there so that He can intently guide me, shape me, and mold me as a mother. I am so thankful for His Word, the fellowship of other believers, other moms. Most of all, I am thankful that God doesn't leave me in the muck and grime of my own thoughts. I am thankful that He lifts me up out of the darkness of myself, dusts me off, and puts me back on the path with Him. 

Go and Tell: This is my heart

In the last few years, it seems as though there has been an increase of tragedies. Whether they were natural disasters or human tragedies, there has been an increase just the same. News broadcasts, newspapers, media outlets have all covered extensively and intensively the tragedy that occurs. In years past there has always been a sense of justice when it came to human tragedies. The murderer brought to justice. The bomber brought to justice. The shooter brought to justice. In every major case, justice was always sought after. So as the most recent events in our own country have occurred, I see a change. As God tells us in His Word, right will be wrong and wrong will be right as the time of His coming draws closer. My heart not only gets overwhelmed as I think of all the victims, the real victims, but also for the people doing the hurt, the crime, the tragedy. There is so much on the current events of these tragedies not only throughout the news and media but also throughout the Christian community. As we sit and share article after article, comment after comment on how evil this man is, we forget that we too, apart from God, are just as evil. We forget that God is the ultimate judge and He knows how it will end. My heart aches for the lives lost and the lives lost to a lie, a lie from the enemy that there is no God. It spreads like wildfire throughout our homes, our towns, our nation, and the world. The enemy wreaks havoc on our lives as we continue to believe the lie that we alone can 'do anything we put our minds to' 'be anything we want to be'. The truth is that we believers were once as filthy, lost, disgusting, and vile as those who choose to bring harm to others. The one and only thing that saves us is God, cleansing us and redeeming us, making us each a new person in Christ through Christ. What we really should be doing, dear brothers and sisters, is getting on our knees and praying. Praying that God will use these tragedies to bring lost men, women, and children to Him. We need to be going out in our homes, our towns, our nation, and the world and telling people about God! Our amazing, loving, patient God. I want to reach through the computer and tell these attackers about Jesus and what He did for them because He loves them and wants to redeem them. I want to do the same for each of the victims. Tell them that God has saved their life not just physically but spiritually and He has such big plans for each of them. My heart hurts to think that many people whether involved in huge tragedies or just involved with every life will never know God. I mean really KNOW Him. That my dear friends is the real tragedy. 

"7 And He said to them, "It is not for you to know the times or the seasons which the Father has put in His own authority. 8 But you shall receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you; and you shall be witnesses to Me in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth." Acts 1: 7-8

""And He said to them, "Go into all the world and preach the gospel to every creature." Mark 16:15

Dear Mothers..

How quickly the time goes by as your children continue to grow. From the first moment you find out you are pregnant with your first little one, time seems to fly. There are moments after the baby is born where you wished things would slow down and come to a stop. You wish there was a pause button in life. Wouldn't that be wonderful? Or even a rewind button? As each stage comes and goes, you sit down at some point and wonder where the time has gone. Thousands of diapers changed, hundreds of Cheerios eaten, and a whole lot of sleep deprivation. There are some stages in their life as they grow that you just can't wait for them to outgrow or move past. Tantrums, potty training, and sleepless nights. You sit down again and wonder where the time has gone as your child is now 3! Books  read for the millionth time, songs sung over and over, naps that go too fast. Teaching colors and numbers and letter and animal sounds as it sometimes feels never ending. Now it's time for school with crayons, art smocks, kleenex boxes, and backpacks. You watch them grow with excitement as they enter into this whole new world of learning and playing and hugs for their teacher. You are sad and excited as you know they are now 5. This is when life "slows down and you can get more rest" because you are no longer needed by them 24/7. Funny how we think we will get more sleep but for some of us with more than one child, there is no sleep. Even with one child, there is still no sleep with getting up early for school. Before you know it they are walking down the aisle and graduating from Kindergarten. As you sit and hold your not so little one tight, you think to yourself, "Will life ever slow down and stop flying by so quickly?" Before you can blink they are graduating from high school and are off to college. I'm not to the college stage, but I am past the toddler stage. Oh how I sit down and wish sometimes that I could go back and cherish more of those moments when I didn't feel like singing the ABCs that one more time. Or that time I didn't feel like snuggling because I had had children all over me from sun up to sun down. Oh how I wish I would have taken more time to play and not watched whatever the latest episode was on TV. The last 7 years have flown by right before my eyes, as if in a instant, all of our children went from baby to school age in a blink. Discouraged moms, hold tight and cherish those times with your little ones. They grow up so fast and without warning! lol Taken that extra time to sing a song, play a game, read a book, snuggle, go for a walk, whatever your little one loves to do to spend time with you. It won't last long. 

Deployments..

Whoever said that deployments get easier the more you go through them was clearly lying. They weren't only lying to me, they were lying to their self, and in turn lying to every other military spouse. (just sayin) I'd strongly disagree with that person who told me that 'wise' quote before our second deployment. I think that as you go through them more, you know is to come when your spouse is gone. Each one is different than the last filled with new adventures and surprises. A few things that stay the same are feeling lonely, carrying all the responsibility, and the tears. The last time my Hunny was deployed I thought I was ready. I thought I could do it on my own. I thought it would be easier than the last time now that the kids are older and we were more established in our marriage. I thought wrong. Four months into the last deployment, my children were so out of control from the lack of discipline and me excusing their behavior on daddy being gone I didn't want to take them to the store with me or go out in public. My emotions ran wild and nothing I seemed to do worked out. But I totally could do it on my own. I am so thankful that God showed me that only with Him can I "do all things through Christ who strengthens me". Life changed for us at home. I was no longer excusing horrible behavior or tolerating it. Though I sat and read the Word, that's only what I was doing. Reading the Word, but putting God back on the shelf so that I can do it. "I've got this Papa. Take a break". How gracious and patient is my Papa. Through that whole year, God not only showed me that I can only do things through His strength, He showed me that I don't want to do it without Him or without my husband.I am so thankful and grateful that all God has made my Hunny to be. I am so thankful for the way that he takes care of us as a family. I am thankful for the wisdom God gives him to lead and guide this family. I think that's why this deployment is so tough on me. Before he left, it was I who was lying to me. Yes someone did tell me that 'it gets easier the more they deploy' and foolishly I believed it. Walking around telling myself along with others that by this point it's a piece of cake. But as the time came and is now a few weeks in, I've realized that I've put God on that shelf again. My Hunny leaves and it's back to relying on myself. How patient is my Papa. Again He reminds me that He is my great provider, protector, healer, friend, Father.  

My One Comment On the Elections..

"The LORD had said to Moses, "Pharaoh will refuse to listen to you _ so that my wonders may be multiplied in Egypt." Moses and Aaron performed all these wonders before Pharaoh, but the LORD hardened Pharaoh's heart, and he would not let the Israelites go out of his country." Exodus 11:9-10 Munchkin and I were reading this last night during our devotions and as I read I had to reread it in my head. Over the last few weeks in Ladies Bible Study we have been going through Ezra. We have seen many times who ultimately holds the hearts of the leaders in the Bible and the leaders of today. We should be praying for our President and whoever will take office because ultimately their hearts are in God's hands. We don't know who will take office or what will become of our nation in the next 4 years, but we do know that our King, our Father is holding their hearts and our country in His hands and just as He did with Pharaoh "so that my wonders may be multiplied in Egypt" our Father has a much bigger plan for His children. One way or another, fast or slow, with Obama or Romney, our nation will fall. The more it falls, the closer it is to our Father coming and Oh! I can't wait! Pray. Pray without ceasing! 

Rewind Please

Have you ever had one of those mornings where you wake up thinking it's going to be a great day? Yeah, I woke up feeling that way today. I was a bit tired, but I got in the shower and got myself ready. Today is picture day for the kids, so the kids picked out their clothes last night and I had them ironed and waiting for them on the end of their beds this morning. I woke up one kid and got that one dressed without a problem. Sailed through it and headed to the next room. BAM! There it is.. the start of a very bad morning. Sassiness, me getting yelled at for turning on the lights, said child doesn't want to wear the clothes they picked out last night. Now I had a choice here. I had the choice to lovingly discipline my child or yell like a crazy person. You can guess which one I chose. The day before was a mess and I let the problems from the day before affect my reaction today. So, the morning is going on, no one is listening, I am getting more angry and frustrated because apparently being on time is against our religion and there they were, looking at spiders, procrastinating to get shoes and sweaters on, whining, crying, taking their time getting their hair ponies so I can do their hair, not looking for sweaters, the list just goes on. You know as moms, as the little things build up when you are in a time crunch, you get madder and madder and madder until all you want to do is explode and yell. So in the car we went almost 30 minutes later than when we usually leave. Now we can't get sea belts on or push our seats in. The kids are crying because mommy is crazy this morning and has lost her mind. While we are driving, I am going on and on about the morning and getting louder and louder as I can see spit flying from my mouth as I talk. Even as I write this I am ashamed of how I behaved. I sat there in the car fighting God. Fighting the urge to apologize to my kids. No, not excusing their procrastinating or excusing their tantrums also this morning, but apologizing for me. As I drove away after dropping the kids off, my thoughts then travelled to the events of yesterday. Spewing nasty comments and hurtful things I would say in my head all the while holding back the tears. I make it home, start packing a lunch for my Hunny and after finding out about my morning, he reaches over and hugs me. I couldn't quite stop the tears really. They just flowed down my cheeks. After he left for work, I grabbed my Bible and prayed and wept. No sobbed at my Papa's feet for forgiveness. I cancelled my plans for the morning and sat at His feet crying and reading His Word. Filling up on Him. This morning was a bad morning. I see the effects of me holding in words that need to be said and taken care of that day. My poor kids. They never saw it coming and either did I. I let my anger from yesterday become my weakness today. I am so thankful that God's mercies are new every morning. Even though I failed miserably this morning, I know that I can come to His feet and be renewed. I know that there are many moms out there who can understand my morning completely. When I would talk to moms a few years ago, I would always get the "Oh it's ok to yell sometimes. Then they know you mean business. Don't beat yourself up over it." I'm sorry, but I just don't agree with that. That kind of yelling is a reaction to anger and I can't just excuse it away. I really do wish that there was a rewind button out there. I would do my entire morning different. What if something had happened to me on my way home from school? Would I want my kids to remember their last morning with me as one like today? No thanks. I am thankful that I was able to come and sit at my Papa's feet this morning. I know that's exactly where I need to be. Sigh. Rewind please! 

You're Right.. I Do Choose This..

"Well, you did choose this and you did know what you were getting yourself into". It's a saying I have heard so many times from people who have never experienced the military life. That saying used to bug me so much and make me so upset! Well, it still does to a certain extent but a flash of pride shoots through me. "Yes, you are right. I do choose to support and follow the man that I love and that God has chosen for me. I do choose to continue to watch him leave and come back again. You are absolutely right. I do choose to stay and fight hard for my marriage. I do choose to take on being dad and mom at the same time. Taking on Mrs. Fix-it and being Nurse Mom at the same time. Adjust, adjust, adjust. No time to relax with the thoughts of the next deployment or the next training period in the back of my head at all times. Never able to fully relax and enjoy being home with my Hunny while I can relax and enjoy him, but you're right. I chose this. I am extremely proud of my soldier, and what an amazing soldier he is. I love being apart of the military where patriotism is a way of life that you take pride in, not even thought of as a choice. I know that life has it's ups and downs as well as marriage. God said tells us that in His Word. The military just adds that extra stress. I can't tell you how many nights I have gone to bed after midnight, how many birthdays or anniversaries or concerts or first sleep overs, first loose tooth, kid nightmares, or how many times I've sat and held my children while they cried themselves to sleep because they missed daddy. Or how many times I have heard them push their Build-A-Bears just to hear daddy's voice, over and over and over again. So if you ever run into a military spouse, offer a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on. Offer to watch her kids for a few hours so that she have some time to herself so she can be renewed and refreshed for her kids. Offer help and if she declines, do it anyway! She really wants the help but is too proud to say she needs it. Love her and her family unconditionally. The end. Rant over.